Jump.

It's the urge to jump. Being content, in my books, is the same as being stagnant. There is no change, no variation. It's just being. No life should be lived in that way. Life should be lived passionately and in such a way that you can say, "Yes, I jumped." What you're jumping into and off of, that's what separates each of us. Intentions is necessary. Feel the urge, let it guide you. Let it join with logic and reason. But when reason is at odds with this desire, choose instinct. You may make more mistakes that way, but at least life is being lived. Besides, first instincts are usually the best ones.

Man, I know what I was feeling. But what was I thinking?

It's been pretty hectic the past little bit. But right now I'm kind of going through an emotional crisis. It doesn't happen very often because I pride myself on pretty much being impervious and riding the storm. But I'm getting slammed by family problems and I'm stressed about the future and the one thing I had to hope for that would let me destress a little isn't happening. I'm incredibly hyperaware of money and bills and costs and all of that and it doesn't help that we're doing a poverty thing in sociology, which is stressing me out even more, especially when I am painfully aware of what I am and what I'm not. I'm not super people-friendly, especially when I'm tired or hungry. I don't have much job experience and the little tiny bit I do have won't help me find a job. I would stay in school to get the abilities needed for my career but college is so freaking expensive. So literally, I have nothing going for me.
Plus, I miss my cat. It sounds silly, but this is honestly the first time I've lived without an animal in my entire lifetime. I've always had at least a cat or a dog, and usually multiple animals.

Most people hit this stage back in October. Me, I'm too optimistic for that. But unfortunately, I'm also the type to cut my losses and run so I'm straining against my base nature at this point. I'm sure I'll work through it. But seriously. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to go into this career? I'm so far behind and no one gets it. I don't think they understand how serious I am about it and how much it scares me. This is literally the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken in my life and I run on faith like nobody else but this scares me. There. I've admitted it. In fact, I just admitted it in public.
I'm. Scared. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the word I'm actually looking for is terrified. Because all of these other people have been doing theatre or theatrey things for years. They've been acting for years. Who the hell do I think I am to think that I can just waltz up there behind in experience and training and just expect that I'll be able to do as well as them.
But in order to catch up, I'll have to double time and there's still no assurance that I'll do well. I could be absolute rubbish. But I deep in my heart of hearts don't believe that. I just need the chance to prove to myself and to everybody else that I can do this.

So, because I'm struggling right now, I'm going to ask all of you to do something for me. Find a friend who isn't having the easiest time and give them a hug. Tell them that it'll be okay. Tell them that they can hang in there and it isn't the end. And if you're the one who needs to hear this, then give someone a hug and just take comfort in them.