“This is why you don’t bring back fallen warriors, sooner or later they’re going to see everything they fought for’s turned to shit.”

Still nothing on the querying front for Primal Surge although I would like to say that all of our rejections so far haven't been "Wow, this sucks" and more "I don't think I'm the right one for this, but thank you." (If you don't know what I'm talking about, I forgot I was using this one for my more...writing blog and the other for the film/TV blog. Also, I'm still working on the Bride of Frankenstein screenplay. It's just slow because I've tumbled down a rabbit hole and I also didn't have my copy of Frankenstein.) (And I forgot where I was going with that, so if you don't know what I'm talking about, refer to the other blog because that one is in there.)

Jocelynn and I also stopped work on Shards of Entropy, the second book because we're waiting on the first. (I think you'll all be pleased about that one because it is trauma and a half).

Speaking of trauma, boy do I have a manuscript for y'all. So, it started out borrowing the holy trees idea from Lord of the Rings and then the warlock class from D&D. So there'd be like this competition to get the magic to defend the trees. The main character at the time was going to be secretly chosen already, breaking protocol and whatnot. Chaos. Problems.

That has changed.

Also, I lost the original notebook I'd been writing in and spent a couple of months depressed over this and unable to actually write because I couldn't restart it. Eventually I could and now I'm happily plugging along, especially since it's gotten a healthy injection of Cyberpunk 2077. Hyperfixations are a blessing sometimes. I've got the possible plotlines (for now) written on sticky notes and I've got quotes written up to remind me of where I'm going. Next stop: Trauma City. I'm not kidding about that. I chose the parts of Cyberpunk 2077 that absolutely gut me every time I think about them to graft into the LotR groundwork. And then I took an idea I heard at LTUE ("Why is it always the unknowable evil that gets sealed away? Why can't it be the unknowable good?") and shoved that in as well.

Is it connected to Primal Surge? Quite possibly. (Read as: 100% connected). I wasn't expecting it to be connected like it is but that's fine. I did get to finally put my D&D character in it. She may have lost her head. It's fine. 

I'm going straight for the gut punches, you guys. And the bits I've been sharing with people, as hideous and unrefined as they are, seem to be being met with tentatively good responses. Also a lot of "OW!" Which is good! That's my goal. Cyberpunk 2077 tore my heart out and I just need to share the love. And also fix that ending because rude. Me sobbing at 2 in the morning was not conducive to literally anything other than fill me with fire and rage and pain.

Ideally this book is a standalone. I don't want it to be more than that.

I'm worried it will be longer than I want it to be. I know I shouldn't worry about the length at this stage of the writing process but I can't help but keep the numbers tumbling around in the back of my head. Alas, poor Yorick.

But, it's fine! The writing is going really well! I figured out where to put the Jasem chapter that has been the first chapter written in both notebooks. First written. Not the first read. And now that it's a single POV for the most part, because I am going to play around with that because if I've learned anything from reading Faulkner it's that you can do anything if you're confident enough and if you lay the groundwork. And my goal is to cause my reader pain so that I can fix it.

And I will. I know how this ends. I've already written it. Well, the last page or so. But that doesn't matter because I know where this is going and I have Cyberpunk 2077 and my original plans as bullet points for me and my wacky discovery writing. But this thing ends soft and gooey and hopeful.

Not Sure Why Blogger Wants Me To Title This 22

...Hey, guys. Whoops.
Let me break the ice again with some random trivia. Did you know that there's a place in Nevada that has the second largest nuclear storage facility in the US? Fairly close to Vegas. Which means that I've been around nuclear stuff my entire life. Awesome. And I don't feel super concerned about revealing that where anyone in any country can see it because I just googled stuff and found the information. Although, if anyone at the NSA is worried and just happens to be keeping an eye on this blog, I think it would be awesome to have a secret government job. Just saying.

In a creative writing class and I have to keep a writing journal. Also, I think I'm wanting to start up with a Fallout fanfiction trilogy like my Dragon Age one (which is going fairly well now that I've started back up with it, thank you for asking) but I haven't figured out where I want to go with it. I have a general idea (Lone Wanderer is so going to meet the Sole Survivor and I'm pretty sure I want to add the Courier in as well) and I have names for the three of them (something in my heart is glad that I'm naming them after freaking fabulous women). Boudica, Catherine, and Grace. Named for Boudica, the "British" queen who took on the Romans after they killed her husband, Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia, and Grace O'Malley, Irish pirate queen who refused to bow to Queen Elizabeth I. I'm just sort of mulling around with what sort of person my Lone Wanderer (Boudica, AKA B to most of the Capital Wasteland) is. She's speaking to me as she feels like it. Although I started in on my Sole Survivor and I already kind of love her. Boudica is a little more hesitant about speaking to me and I'm pretty sure it's because of her name. I'm half tempted to name her Catherine and the Courier Boudica but LW's mother's name is Catherine. So I'm thinking about that. But I'm not yet ready in terms of character development to do that.

Tasha is on a roll right now. And even Miya is starting to make comments again, mostly about how much she dislikes Tasha. Which I would find hilarious if it didn't give me headaches. But I've run into a new version of it that I want to play with for a little bit. But I haven't gotten there yet. That version isn't quite ready and I'm pretty sure that that's the reason why Miya is being cranky with Tasha.

And yes, I am well aware that they are fictional. But since they hang out in my head, when arguments start up, it happens in my head. Which gives me a headache.

Fanfics...

So...Long time, no write. Well, that's not entirely true. I have been writing. Mostly because I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust if I don't get feelings out in some way. You know? But because I don't want to work on Miya's or Lenne's or Cassandra's stories (mostly because I'm not sure I'm not going to have to restart them. All three. Again. Ugh.), I've been doing some fanfic writing. Dragon Age. Since I highly doubt that anyone on here even reading this (though you're welcome to once I get them up online) will read them, I just kinda want to get plans out and mull over what I want and my characters and why I'm making the choices I am with them. It's how things like this work for me. Just need to get thoughts in order without putting them actually in an outline since I completely and utterly despise outlines.
So. Sister of Blood. It's the one concerning the events of Dragon Age: Origins. Protagonist is a human mage by the name of Tasha Amell. She has black hair, grey eyes, and favors ice and lightning for primal magic (mostly because she can't work with fire to save anyone's life), entropy magic (once she "learns" them because I highly doubt that that kind of magic would be around in the Circle), and shielding. She has a fierce dislike for what the Circle represents (mainly the hypocrisy of the Chantry (which may be the result of my own personal feelings toward it...)) and tends to sort of erupt around injustice of any sort whether it be around mages or elves or (eventually when I get around to it) the casteless dwarves in Orzammar. She's an empath and hates it. She's not the most sensitive person (outwardly, anyway) and a good way to describe her is angry. Very, very angry. She's angry at the Chantry for taking her from her family and locking her in the tower. She's angry at the treatment of elves. She's angry that she'll never be trusted just because of her magic. She's angry at the mages who turn to blood magic because they're the ones who screwed up everyone's lives and freedom. So, yeah. Angry is a good way to describe her. But she's fiercely loyal, though what she's loyal to isn't always what normal people would loyal to. Stubborn to a fault. She tends to wander off into her own little world and doesn't really pay attention to what other people are talking about. But she's clever and observant when she's paying attention and knows how to make connections. She's got a bit of a mouth on her but she's also just as likely to apologize afterward. And underneath all the prickles and thorns, she's caring when she thinks no one is looking and she thinks she won't get a reward for it. She wants people to be the best that they can be, to be respected, since she knows that most people will only fear her because of her magic. She wins people over because she's charismatic and charming, but also perfectly comfortably with getting down and dirty to do what needs to be done. I also have another Warden (other than Alistair). Dalish rogue by the name of Medb Mahariel. She doesn't trust humans and is not afraid of lashing out if she feels that she is being disrespected because she is an elf.  She has red hair, green eyes, and you can't find a better archer by casually searching. Medb is awesome. Her rules of loyalty are a lot more black and white than Tasha's. Any injustice or prejudice against elves (though she's more hesitant with city elves until she realizes that to most humans, she's just like them and then she becomes their personal guardian) leaves her bristling at the least. She's also super closed though. Like Tasha can be but for the most part, she presents a face that people don't realize is a mask. Medb is quiet and surly around people she doesn't know, doesn't trust, and grumpy around people she doesn't like, keeping them pretty much pushed away. She loves children though, human, elf, dwarf, she doesn't care. She loves them without actually needing to know them and wants to help them in anyway she can. Medb's fiercely Dalish but she also knows that her people probably got things wrong. Word of mouth is not a good way for truth to be passed down through generations and since they don't have much by way of written language, she assumes that they got some things wrong but for the most part she figures they're right. So that's one thing she likes about city elves, the general reverence and fear of the Dalish elves. She bears the vallaslin of Dirthamen. And I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen. I mean, I know what's going to happen. But the details are a little...absent...at the moment. I do anticipate torture in Haven, dream travelling, near death by Ogres (and werewolves), one of the ladies being dragged through the Deep Roads, and a use of fire by Tasha (gasp). Plus emotional outbursts and bonding between our two Wardens. Pairings are Amell/Alistair and Mahariel/Zev.
I'm not sure what DA:A (and the other expansions...) will be called. But I also know that Tasha is going to freak out when she finds out that mages are allowed to go into the basement in the Tower, not to mention being in the Tower again in Witch Hunt. And just imagine the horror the pair of them will feel when they have to go back into the Deep Roads for Golems of Amgarrak. Holy motherless goat. Of course, I hate playing that one myself. Like intense fear. And for Tasha, who is sensitive to horrors of the past and emotions, and Medb, who really, really, really doesn't like enclosed spaces (and the Deep Roads simply because ew and darkspawn), it's going to be painful to torture them. For them and me. Ugh. I'd rather deal with the Mother twice over than deal with...the thing in Amgarrak. I can't even imagine what Tasha's reaction is going to be. Poor baby.
Next is Sister of Magic. Meet Adralla Hawke, bigger and bolder than life. Cousin of the Hero of Fereldan, though she doesn't know it at first, the mage pulls attention toward her with very little effort. In fact, it's a bit funny how well and easily she does it, even when she's supposed to be avoiding Templars... She's got black hair, grey eyes, and about fifteen times more fire than her cousin. Mostly because she can actually use fire magic, and some ice. But she has no interest in lightning because for her, it's too uncertain whether or not she'll have the necessary energy in the air to manipulate it. She'll learn healing from Anders (since Bethany was the one who was the one with the initial interest and she feels guilty about it because she figures if she'd been able to heal her, the thing that happens with Bethany wouldn't have happened) and she manipulates her pull. But otherwise, she just wants to enjoy life. She doesn't want to be embroiled in the politics of Kirkwall. She won't withhold any help she can give, simply because she wants people to be happy. She's just as fiercely loyal as her cousin with a deeper bond to family, which is the most important thing to her. Her sister, Felina, also has black hair and grey eyes like her twin sister and cousin. She lives in the world of a rogue, blending in with shadows and striking from them as her sister draws attention. She is quiet, but comforting, much like their younger sister, but unlike Bethany (and Adralla, to some extent), she is aware of the world. No matter who she's with, she gives a sense of home. Felina is bright, charming, but hesitant to trust and frequently lets her sister takes the spotlight. She's more involved politically, recognizing that one cannot stay neutral as the political situation worsens. Pairings are Adralla/Anders and Felina/Fenris. And yes, I know. I fully anticipate Adralla to seriously tease her sister over that.
DA:I is Sister of Fate. And I haven't decided anything yet concerning them. I know that there will be at least one elf. And she's very hands on and incredibly not tactful. And I'm starting to sort through personality of the second one. 
So yeah. There we go. This was spawned from Dragon Age 2 where the game didn't have the Warden show up and then I found out that human mage origin is related to DA2 protagonist are related. When I get the first chapter or so maybe put up online, I'll post a link in here.

Trust bows to no one yet it is a servant to all

I've been rather neglectful lately and I do apologize. Really. Sorry. I've just been ill and then I had a family crisis and then I got sick again (gotta love stress, NOT!!!) and then I had a huge fight with one of my friends that flattened me out emotionally yet again and I'm still not quite recovered from that. Plus, I've started writing again, which has been causing me to neglect everything else that I have been struggling to not neglect because of all the crap that has been happening.

Trust is like a spiderweb, delicate but impossibly strong. No, seriously. If we could figure out how to make fabric that was as light as spiderweb strands and as strong, humans would have some major advancements in life. Cannot wait for that day. Anyway, based on that, I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say. As long as it is maintained, trust is a very solid, reliable thing. But when trust is broken, suddenly it feels as insubstantial and fragile as a thread of gossamer. But here's the thing. Even when people are not in a safe place and they should not be trusted at that moment, there should still be a level of trust for them to act like a decent human being. Trust broken is so painful, I think, because deep down, we wanted that person to be better than humanity has a reputation for. And when that hope fails, it feels like something inside of us just wants to wither away and die.
We shouldn't let it. Trust is a beautiful wonderful thing. Not everyone is going to try to hurt you like possibly has been done in the past. It's okay to freefall into trust. It's okay to give trust conditionally. It's okay to be hurt.

Fall back to the keep!

I'm feeling quite raw. And technically this should go on the other one because it's about acting. But I won't.
You know you've had defenses up for an incredibly long time when you're forced to drop walls and they don't even fall very much and you still feel like you've been scoured on you inside.
Because wow. And even now I can feel my walls trying to protect me again. And I'm trying not to let them. And it's hard. I just want to throw my head under a blanket and pretend the problem doesn't exist because that's so much easier. So so much easier. Not nearly as healthy or good for acting. But it's safer and easier and it's disgusting me that I want to take the easy way out. I pride myself on not deflecting problems yet that is EXACTLY what I want to do now.
My professor was exactly right. I may not have many issues. But they are incredibly deep rooted and they also sit underneath the surface.

The Master Status Removal

Why can't we all just accept people for who they are and judge them on their own merits and not on things out of their control? I'm guilty of that. I know that and it hurts me to admit it. But I also know that I do try to keep an open mind most of the time. But seriously, why on earth do we think that we can simply hurt someone else?
So someone's Muslim. Who cares?
So someone's Christian. Who cares?
So someone's black. Who cares?
So someone's white. Who cares?
So someone's rich. Who cares?
So someone's poor. Who cares?
So someone's male. Who cares?
So someone's female. Who cares?
(this list is not exclusive)

Are we not all human beings? Do we not all deserve to be viewed as the person that we are? If you're an asshole, you should be judged as an asshole. If you're kind, then be judged as kind. What kind of person are they underneath all of the social labels that have been placed on them? Why should others decide their worth for them in the eyes of society?
Incidentally, I just realized that all of those can be master statuses. Huh.
Anyway, we should look past the labels of someone that have no technical difference in how someone should be treated and treat them as they are. But we should also treat them with kindness because as much as I would like for this to be the case (it would make things so much simpler), everyone no matter what actions they may take has good in them. Yes, everyone. Hitler, for example, was a doting son.
I'm not saying that we should discount all the bad a person does, but one shouldn't discount the good either. Look at or think about your neighbor. How have you treated him or her recently? Did you jump to any conclusions about them? Could you have showed more love? I'm not saying the world is all sunshine and daises because, well, right now it's kind of overcast and snowing a bit. But even just that little bit of effort into trying to understand someone else, to dropping your own walls, and treating them like a human being who deserves love, can make the world a cheerier place.

Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

Now matter how many times I watch it, when the Lord of the Rings music begins to play at the beginning of An Unexpected Journey, "it makes me want to cry".
Lord of the Rings is, to me, what Star Wars is to most people. My childhood can be summed up with Scooby Doo, Lord of the Rings, and Jurassic Park and reading more than should be humanly possibly along with the freedom to do as I pleased (which was basically watch those three and read and play with our animals). I fell in love with the world of Middle Earth, with the elves and the dwarves and the bad guys that got what they deserved. Fellowship of the Ring is one of my favorite movies and has been for nearly as long as Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie. Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie since I was four which should tell you how long I've been in love with these worlds and ideas. But that should also tell you how much I love Lord of the Rings. Those movies aren't short. They're frankly ridiculously long and I loved them enough to focus all the way through the extended edition of Fellowship of the Ring and even Two Towers. I've been watching them nearly as long as I can remember, and remember I was like six when Fellowship came out and I don't even remember watching it the first time. But it captivated me and I squirreled it away into my room until I had the first disk of the extended edition nearly memorized. (It remains my favorite disk of the now six (or ten if we count the first two Hobbit movies) in the extended editions. When other kids my age were watching cartoons and stuff, not that I didn't watch my fair share of Tom and Jerry and other various cartoons, I was off on the quest with Frodo or running from t-rexes with Dr. Grant or sailing with Captain Jack or running from the Mummy with Rick O'Connell. Those were my worlds and they inspired a love of the fantastic and epic, but also of finding joy in what moments one can.
Don't get me wrong, I like Star Wars. But there is something beautiful about the world of Middle Earth that I fell in love with long before I read the books. Sword fights and magic and epic quests to save the world from the evil ruler. How could I resist?
But to bring me back to my original point, about the music, I have such strong emotional attachments to the music that Howard Shore composed that hearing even a bar of it brings me back. The music is part of that world as much as the fighting and the journeying and the Ring are. And that world is part of my childhood and something that I love fiercely to this day.
I love the Hobbit movies despite their shortcomings because they brought me back home. And I am so incredibly grateful for being old enough to be grateful for the opportunity to watch  I've had to watch something new that helped shape my childhood. I know I'll feel the same way when Jurassic World comes out (cried when I saw the trailer and every time since that I've seen it I've either cried or seriously teared up). I'm cautious right now but I will love it because it too comes from a world that helped to shape my childhood and my career choices (see that one post on one of my two blogs about why Jurassic Park means so much to me).
I'm so grateful for Peter Jackson for bringing us back to Middle Earth (even if he got a few things wrong or added certain details). He and the cast and crew will never know how grateful I am. I am grateful for being able to go home again.
I would love most dearly to be able to be part of a Jurassic Park movie or something about Middle Earth. Considering the Silmarillion is still a possibility and Jurassic Park is coming back, I may yet have my wish granted but I also understand the level of work I'm going to have to do if I want to succeed in that.
The reason for the sappiness right now is I'm going to go see Battle of the Five Armies again tomorrow (technically today) and I felt like expressing emotions because I'm going to be swarmed with them tomorrow (technically today).
I don't know what my parents were thinking, letting me watch such violent, beautiful shows at such an impressionable age, but I'm grateful that they did. I'm also grateful because I got to share Lord of the Rings with my best friend and even more grateful that she also loves them too. Some people started watching horror movies at a young age. I like horror. But action, adventure, and science fiction and fantasy will always be more beautiful for me.
Maybe I should do a post on my favorite movies growing up.
Anyway, here's some Lord of the Rings or Hobbit stuff. Mostly Youtube videos. And as soon as I find the video I want and can't find, I will be adding that one.

BotFA trailer that came out the day after my birthday
BotFA trailer that came out exactly a week after my birthday
BotFA that makes me want to cry
Lord of the Rings in 99 Seconds (Yes, I know all the words...)
AUJ Announcement Trailer
RotK trailer
TT trailer
Lord of the Rings and Frozen. Literally not sure what to make of it.
An Unexpected Parody

Jump.

It's the urge to jump. Being content, in my books, is the same as being stagnant. There is no change, no variation. It's just being. No life should be lived in that way. Life should be lived passionately and in such a way that you can say, "Yes, I jumped." What you're jumping into and off of, that's what separates each of us. Intentions is necessary. Feel the urge, let it guide you. Let it join with logic and reason. But when reason is at odds with this desire, choose instinct. You may make more mistakes that way, but at least life is being lived. Besides, first instincts are usually the best ones.

Man, I know what I was feeling. But what was I thinking?

It's been pretty hectic the past little bit. But right now I'm kind of going through an emotional crisis. It doesn't happen very often because I pride myself on pretty much being impervious and riding the storm. But I'm getting slammed by family problems and I'm stressed about the future and the one thing I had to hope for that would let me destress a little isn't happening. I'm incredibly hyperaware of money and bills and costs and all of that and it doesn't help that we're doing a poverty thing in sociology, which is stressing me out even more, especially when I am painfully aware of what I am and what I'm not. I'm not super people-friendly, especially when I'm tired or hungry. I don't have much job experience and the little tiny bit I do have won't help me find a job. I would stay in school to get the abilities needed for my career but college is so freaking expensive. So literally, I have nothing going for me.
Plus, I miss my cat. It sounds silly, but this is honestly the first time I've lived without an animal in my entire lifetime. I've always had at least a cat or a dog, and usually multiple animals.

Most people hit this stage back in October. Me, I'm too optimistic for that. But unfortunately, I'm also the type to cut my losses and run so I'm straining against my base nature at this point. I'm sure I'll work through it. But seriously. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to go into this career? I'm so far behind and no one gets it. I don't think they understand how serious I am about it and how much it scares me. This is literally the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken in my life and I run on faith like nobody else but this scares me. There. I've admitted it. In fact, I just admitted it in public.
I'm. Scared. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the word I'm actually looking for is terrified. Because all of these other people have been doing theatre or theatrey things for years. They've been acting for years. Who the hell do I think I am to think that I can just waltz up there behind in experience and training and just expect that I'll be able to do as well as them.
But in order to catch up, I'll have to double time and there's still no assurance that I'll do well. I could be absolute rubbish. But I deep in my heart of hearts don't believe that. I just need the chance to prove to myself and to everybody else that I can do this.

So, because I'm struggling right now, I'm going to ask all of you to do something for me. Find a friend who isn't having the easiest time and give them a hug. Tell them that it'll be okay. Tell them that they can hang in there and it isn't the end. And if you're the one who needs to hear this, then give someone a hug and just take comfort in them.

Quote from tonight's episode: "Guns and liquor. What could go wrong?"

I was going to put a video up. But apparently, I need to learn how to work this...
To sum it up:
I hate today. Today is the 6 year anniversary of my dog's death.
I had a callback today.
Z Nation is on in... now.
I'm getting fall for the first time in nine years.
I turn 19 in less than two weeks.
And I want people to talk to me.

I'm on Twitter (@brookeaharding), Facebook (Brooke Harding), Instagram (sort of), and Tumblr (just-a-little-fangirl-love)

Send me something, anything, tell me about your day, about your dreams. Why you read this. Anything. Something. Ooh, and tell me what country you're from too.

Some clever something but I'm not sure what fits this...

As soon as I get the video up on my computer, I'll be putting up a video for today, not an actual post.
Also, I will get my post for Z Nation up eventually. It will only cover the first five episodes because [spoilers spoilers spoilers].

But, here! Have a picture from Z Nation!!!

Addy and Mack

Glorious.

I've been really hesitant to put another post up because this is my fiftieth one. That's kind of a big number to me. I dunno.
But I wish I could just transfer my emotions right now to all of you because there is no way that I'll be able to explain them well.
I'm excited. And terrified. And thrilled. And worried. And anticipating. And ready. So, so ready.

You can read about it in more detail on my other blog, Journey to Who: An American Actress. But I've landed my first acting role. Which I suppose is a momentous enough occasion to have it feature on my fiftieth post on here, the blog that started it all. I named my Tumblr after this blog, after all. This blog is the sum of my dreams and thoughts even when I can't admit them to other people and represents my secrets. The desire to soar freely, unfettered by the chains of the world. The exhilaration of doing something other people could only dream of. Freedom and joy, the two things I want most in this world. The night is my world and it is at night when others are filled with fear of the unknown that I most want my dreams, indeed when my dreaming is the most intense. Fear has no place in my life. Uncertainty is there only because I struggle with confidence (which is admittedly a bizarre thing for someone as proud as I am). The bird isn't afraid of the branch breaking beneath its weight; it trusts in its own ability to fly. And I do trust in my abilities in the moment.

I am Brooke Amber Harding. I am the sum of my ancestors and my own actions. I am the past, present, and future at once because of where I came from, what I am, and the infinite possibilities of where my line will go. I know where I'm from. I know some of what my ancestors had to do so that I would end up being where I am now. I'm a contradiction and I wouldn't change a single thing about me. It's taken me nearly five years to be comfortable in my skin. I've finally accepted the fact that I have a fairly large bosom and that's taken me...nearly eight years for that. I can be female and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I've finally let myself dream rather than just resignation over my role that I was supposed to play being female and LDS. It's okay for me to be my own person. It's okay for me to love even though I know that I'm the kind that will mate for life and that terrifies me. I know that I can find someone who will love me with all the imperfections that I love too because they keep me human. I'm not perfect and I've finally accepted that I don't have to be. We've always been taught in the LDS church to strive for perfection knowing that we cannot make it. And I tried to be perfect which resulted in me being less than acceptably imperfect. As long as I try to be the best I can be, that's all anyone can ask and what I think was what I was actually supposed to learn. I've learned to love myself, all of me. I won't ask for any more from my mate but I will ask for freedom to be true to my heart, which does not lie in being fettered. I will willingly submit as long as there is nothing forcing me to do so. It will be my choice. My story has been one of freedom suddenly restricted and at the faintest hint of freedom again, everything in me strains for it. Fiercely proud and independent, I want to see the depths of humanity, the good and the bad. There are no lukewarm feelings with me. They are either there with all the power of a hurricane or completely absent. This is me. I am an introverted dreamer and an extroverted doer and I exist as both.

But I'm not alone on my journey and I wouldn't want to be. I want to share my journey and my feelings with the people I care about. And people care about me. I've been blessed. And I hope that I've blessed others' lives.
But I won't apologize for being who I am, not when I'm finally comfortable with her.
It's been three years since this blog was started. And I've never been more amazed with how my life has gone. From a sophomore in high school to a freshman in college and hopefully beyond, you guys have been with me and hopefully you'll be with me in the future because even though I don't know who many of you are, I count you as my friends. Not my best friends because that place is incredibly difficult to reach. But you're my friends regardless and that means I care about you. Seriously, I'm totally cool with just chatting if you want to. Leave me a comment or something and tell me about your day. Because I honestly really do want to hear about it.

Ooh, ummm, here's a car. It's pretty. And you can look up that stats if you want.

But the really funny thing about this car, (Ferrari 458) is there's a recall for it right now because people are getting locked in the trunk and the only time the mechanism releases is when the car's in motion. Please keep in mind that the trunk is in the front of the car and do you see how much ground clearance that car has? I don't even want to know how people found that out nor do I want to know who got in trouble at Ferrari for this. Heehee.

I turn 19 in just over a month. That is terrifying. And I don't think I'll ever get over this adding years thing. And I'm either getting married in the next two years or I won't be getting married until I'm like thirty because that's how it works in my family. 

I feel like I come across as bossy and insensitive when in reality it hurts me when other people are in pain and I have to do whatever I can to make them feel better.

I'm very action-oriented. Actions definitely speak louder than words to me. Which, in retrospect, is why I never believe guys when they tell me they love me. Because their actions haven't told me so and so therefore their words must be lies. Ir's either a problem or it isn't. Not sure which right now.

Anyway, I am going to go do...I don't know. So have a fabulous day.

Ooh, I forgot to mention. Here's the link for Glorious by David Archuleta. Oh, my gosh. It's so beautiful. Watch it. Love it. It's so beautiful. And he's got dimples. It's not even fair.

Sociology, WHAT?

I really love my sociology class. It's absolutely fascinating, besides the fact that I don't think like most of the people in my class which could be the result of having a comparatively liberal upbringing and having lived in Las Vegas, AKA Sin City. But, whatever. I knew I wouldn't completely fit in here.

But the really fascinating thing is that technically, my life has been set up in such a way (and I'm sure it's not because my parents did it on purpose) that I have the highest chance possible to succeed at whatever I do. Both my parents are college educated, which gives me a plus. My parents are married, even though my mom was unmarried when she gave birth but she had a college degree and she was working, another plus with a small minus. I was raised as an only child even though I have siblings, plus. My family is middle-class, plus. And these aren't even counting the effect that where I was living has made a difference in my upbringing. So, really, from a sociologist's viewpoint, it would be fascinating to see how I end up and how my life plays out. I only wish I could study me but since I'm actually invested in this, there would be a significant bias and in any study, one should limit the bias exposure.
But really, It would be interesting to see. And who knows. Maybe someone is studying me right now without my knowledge.

Passion and Love

There are people in the world who want the type of love that is like an old friend, comfortable and familiar, warm and soft. It's perfectly understandable and I see many of my friends finding a love like that. And it makes me a little envious, I'm not ashamed to admit that. And in so many books, that's what the love is and it makes me smile because it's cute and sweet and what these people and characters deserve and I don't begrudge them that because that's what they want and need, even if I don't understand.
Because I never truly identified with those stories. I identify with the passionate loves, the once in a lifetime loves. The loves where loss of one is beyond devastating for the partner who has been left behind. Where instead of the warm glow of love, it's the fire and heat of emotion without name which is to love what grief is to sadness. I want to be scorched by the flames of eternal passion, to have the scars from that heat seared into my bared soul, to have my entire being purified and tempered like steel out of a refiner's fire.
I understand that I may live my entire life without finding what I want and while that is one of the most depressing thoughts of my life, I need someone whose passion for life rivals my own because I don't want to burn my partner up in the heat of my emotions. When I feel an emotion, it is an all-consuming arrow straight to the center of my being. Grief, most frequently felt for fictional characters and animals, tears my heart apart and I don't recover. I cover it and bury it but the scars still live and are tender if pressed. It's the only thing that allows me to empathize the emotion when I should be feeling it and am not, though others are. I feel joy the same way, shining out of the depths of my soul like some ancient beacon of light.
We are all different and how we feel emotions differs too. But it is a lonely thought that I will watch friends fall in love and remain on the outside because I have not the ability to feel the tenderer side of love for people, despite the deeper valleys between in a relationship of passion. Passion is, indeed, the only word I can use to describe that emotion without name. It exists but...

"We loved with a love that was more than love." ~Edgar Allan Pow

That exemplifies what I want. And I'm willing to wait an eternity to find it.

My life has been explained...

You guys! Sorry, I'm about to go on a rant about sociology, my major and easily the most fascinating class I've ever taken in my entire lifetime. But I promise, it's worth it.
Okay, so basically, I just had the reason for so much about me explained. In an hour. No trickery, no jiggery pokery. Because STUDIES.

Anyway, so basically what we talked about today was socialization, which is basically the process by which we internalize the norms, beliefs, and rules of the society we live in. Boring, right? WRONG! Everything about our lives is dictated by socialization, this sort of brainwashing effect that happened to us and is still happening to us now. Right now. This very moment. For like 99% of the population it starts from birth (don't quote me on that statistic). There's this whole big learning about the self vs. other that I'm not going to get into even though it's pretty vital. But basically we learn the social rules and things for various situations and we learn to apply them more generally as we internalize more and more (ex: naivety of a small town vs "street ed" of a big city) so that eventually we can function in this world without the help of others. Social anxiety, as far as I can tell, stems from a lack of rules for given situations. And it's super comforting because that's normal. That is a normal, human trait. Some people experience it worse than others and others can't cope with it as well as others. But it is normal, even though we usually don't understand why we feel anxious. I always did. Not to make myself sound special or whatnot, but I've always had a high sensitivity for societal rules. So I understood why I had anxiety in various situations that were out of my control. But I always thought something was wrong with me because of it. Nope. In that aspect, there is nothing wrong with me. And that was good because while I embrace my individuality or weirdness, I also have this internal strain to follow those rules. Causes conflict, which is another thing we discussed.
But SES (socioeconomic status) plays a HUGE role in socialization. And here's where I got the understanding that explained. Okay, so we have socialization, right? Well, based on your SES, different expectations are placed on you. Middle class children (and up, technically) are basically groomed to inhabit roughly the same sphere of influence as their parents and the parents fill their childrens' free time with formal activities whereas working class parents give their children more "free" time. And here's where it gets interesting. For me, anyway. Because of the circles that I was in because of tennis, I've learned how to interact and mimic people who are in a higher class than I am. (Unless they're sprung on me by surprise (ex: Michael Welch at Comic Con this past weekend) then I have difficulty speaking and crap because I'm trying to exist in two classes at once and it's incredibly difficult for me to do that). There are telltale signs that I'm from a middle class family, but I also have upper class influences because of my father and tennis. My father was resocialized to have an upper class attitude and that's been passed down to me by socialization. Story time!!! So basically, I got the freedom of "free" time of working class (ex: my childhood up until I moved to Vegas, I was pretty much left alone and to my own devices except at school) at which point, my mother (as we were transitioning from working/middle to middle/upper) decided to put me in tennis as what my textbook would call a formal activity. Tennis governed my life because that's what my mother wanted me to do. She still wants me to do it professionally, but that isn't what's in my heart of hearts. Tennis had me involved with the rich kids so I learned to move with them and I can totally handle people who think they're better than everyone else now. It helped that IB also had that mentality, which I will confess I've always had that with my intelligence but everything else, I've been painfully aware of where my social standing in comparison to everyone else. But I also have, as my mother would call it, champagne tastes. Which means that technically the formula for upward mobility is in place for me, which is weird. I can see myself mingling with the elites of society but I can also see myself out in a pasture or out in a barn mucking out stalls. It's weird thinking of myself as a study subject. But it also explains why I want to do what I want to do. Like my entire life has been explained to me. I have these particular dreams because of the circumstances with which I was brought up and the interests that I was allowed to develop. It's incredible to be able to have something like that explained so simply. It's incredible.

FRIENDS!!!

Still haven't found anyone who is a best friend material, but I do have to, possibly three, that have that potential. Three of my classes are covered (one in Chem, one in Soc, and one in History). They're really cool and I think I can mold the Soc and History ones into being complete and total fangirls. One of them already is, technically, but doesn't watch much Doctor Who. The other has the right personality but I don't think she's watched any of the holy three so I'll have to introduce her. Which means I'll have to rewatch them. Such a shame. What? Just totally quoted a video game right there. I'm such a nerd, I know. The third one... I'm cautious BECAUSE I'm at BYU which has a ridiculously high marriage rate and I don't want to get married any time soon because...no. Plus, expect the guys to want to get married. And he's a guy, so...

But the really funny part of all of this is my theatre class is actually where I'm starting to get to know the most people. Which means that I'm getting this field of support that I desperately need right now. So thank you Savannah, Michaela, Morgan, and Tammy. Shout out to y'all. You're awesome! And it's okay for me there. Y'all didn't laugh or anything when I said that I had little to no experience in theatre. Thank you. You're helping me love the class that I am easily the most cautious about but the one I'd already decided to love.

Rule 9

I was flipping through my Facebook page and I came across this link. I read it and I realized, yet again, that I need to stop taking everything so seriously. I have a sense of humor, and it's difficult for me to be offended, but at the same time, there is no middle ground. I'm horribly conscious of the effects of decisions. That being said, I do need to just enjoy life. But I can't quite do that until I've got some stability. So, in the meantime, we're going to have brief surges of what I call irresponsibility and what normal people call enjoyment or fun. Foreign concept, I know. But I have been working on it. It's the problem with being me. I'm not really understood. And that is okay. As much as part of me wants to be understood, there's another part of me that thrives on existing outside of understanding. And I tend to follow that one more. The need to stand out, apart, in the world but not of it. You know? Oh well. Here's the link.

Rules for Students and Teachers

Which, technically, we should never stop learning and teaching. So that applies to everyone.

The Potentials of Us All

The worth of a person lies not in their achievements, but in their potentials. We forget, sometimes, as human beings that very basic fundamental. The question we must all ask ourselves, when criticizing another, is not what can't they do but rather what can they do. The shy dreamers, typically the idealists, dream of a world that is happier, kinder, and more suitable for having dreams. Yet they lack the confidence to make the world their world. The proud extroverts, those who gleam in the spotlight with confidence and frequently do not understand their more soft-spoken cousins, are as much a drive for change as any other individual. Change, therefore, does not need to be an eternal change. Even a brief change can suffice as that proves the change could potentially be permanent.
Potential. The word that terrifies and thrills. We know not what our own potential is until we have achieved it. Others may see our potential when we cannot. We may not have the faith in ourselves and the universe to believe them. Steady or flighty, proud or humble, meek or mighty, rich or poor, we all have the potential to be true to ourselves, our desires, and our minds despite the criticisms of others. Don't be afraid of being misunderstood. History's most misunderstood individuals have tendencies to be incredibly well known and loved (see Vincent Van Gogh for an example). Let go of fear of judgement, no matter how painful or difficult it is. Be yourself.
And that, friends, can be the most remarkable and important changes anyone can make. Because once that change is made, there is not limit, for good or ill, on the actions that could be made. And an infinity is far greater than a defined story. An infinity is too much to be stopped. Believe with me. Even when we are torn apart, our feelings can unite us. And an idea cannot be killed.

Hey, Soul Sister! part 1

...In natural tendencies with my personality traits (including friendly but reserved, accepting but dismissive, and open but defensive), I'm finding myself starting to get stressed out. I don't have access to my best friend and I probably won't until she gets back from her mission. Not having that needed support (many friends but very few close ones) in a new place with stressors that normally I wouldn't have too much of a problem with if I had access to Anayetzy, it's beginning to unsettle my spirit. Anayetzy is my soul sister, the other part of me, and it's been this way for both of us since 6th grade. We may look nothing alike, but even our seminary teacher commented how rare it was to see one without the other and how we were basically twins. For someone who grew up without close siblings (age, proximity, you name it), she was what I desperately needed at a time when I couldn't have hated the world more and I did the same for her a few years later.

Like I said. I don't have access anymore. Different states and she's preparing to go on a mission. Which means that I need someone to mend the part of me that is broken without her. So with all the people that I'm meeting, I'm running them through my tests, seeing who is a potential and who would work as is. I met one person last night who on initial communications I thought could have been a decent plaster until I could get my girl back. By the end of communications, no. She wouldn't work. My roommate won't work because it's bad to be best friends with your roommate. I need someone to at least partially patch up that hole. I don't want someone to replace my best friend. I'd never forgive myself if I did. I just need someone to keep me from falling apart. And yeah, I know that this still early days...But I know what I turn into when I don't have the supports I need. And I really don't want that. It's selfish, I know. But when I move to LA, I'm going to need her to come with me and rent an apartment with me. She is and has been my rock since I met her. And then once I get settled and start doing my acting thing, we both want to move to London. We've already discussed it and have started planning that. And I can't ask her to forgo her mission. That's something she needs to do, just like I need to be here.

So, at this point I'm praying that I meet the person that will keep me together long enough for Anayetzy to come back. Because I need my best friend. I'm willing to do without her because I'm ridiculously self-sacrificing and I'll never tell her how much I need her with me. Because she's like me. Ridiculously self-sacrificing, especially for the people we love. So when she gets back, she'd better be ready for big Brooke hug and lots of crying.
So, yeah. I'm feeling lonely. But I'll survive. Except I don't want to survive because surviving with me turns me meaner than a rattle snake and that is not an okay thing for me to be right now.

Who wouldn't want to be me?

I've moved into my dorm room. This morning while going on my run, I met my RA, who is from the same state I am, and I found out we don't have a curfew in the dorms (that is a lot more exciting than it sounds, trust me). My roommate is awesome. I don't have to hike up a mountain on Saturday. The new season of Doctor Who has started. I get to see my dad, who I haven't seen in three months. I got to go to a new city and ate at a fabulous Mexican restaurant. I get to go to the fair on Monday (haven't gone in years because of tennis). AND the absolute icing on the cake is my big brother is getting married tomorrow.

I don't want to jinx anything, but life's going good for me right now. And I have time to focus on studying theatre techniques.

I'm excited to be in college. The world has so many possibilities all of a sudden. If you can dream it, you can do it. We're all human and we all naturally have things we want. Please don't give up on your dreams, no matter how impossible they seem. Be the eternal optimist and have faith that it will work out as you continue to work on what you want.