Trust bows to no one yet it is a servant to all

I've been rather neglectful lately and I do apologize. Really. Sorry. I've just been ill and then I had a family crisis and then I got sick again (gotta love stress, NOT!!!) and then I had a huge fight with one of my friends that flattened me out emotionally yet again and I'm still not quite recovered from that. Plus, I've started writing again, which has been causing me to neglect everything else that I have been struggling to not neglect because of all the crap that has been happening.

Trust is like a spiderweb, delicate but impossibly strong. No, seriously. If we could figure out how to make fabric that was as light as spiderweb strands and as strong, humans would have some major advancements in life. Cannot wait for that day. Anyway, based on that, I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say. As long as it is maintained, trust is a very solid, reliable thing. But when trust is broken, suddenly it feels as insubstantial and fragile as a thread of gossamer. But here's the thing. Even when people are not in a safe place and they should not be trusted at that moment, there should still be a level of trust for them to act like a decent human being. Trust broken is so painful, I think, because deep down, we wanted that person to be better than humanity has a reputation for. And when that hope fails, it feels like something inside of us just wants to wither away and die.
We shouldn't let it. Trust is a beautiful wonderful thing. Not everyone is going to try to hurt you like possibly has been done in the past. It's okay to freefall into trust. It's okay to give trust conditionally. It's okay to be hurt.

Fall back to the keep!

I'm feeling quite raw. And technically this should go on the other one because it's about acting. But I won't.
You know you've had defenses up for an incredibly long time when you're forced to drop walls and they don't even fall very much and you still feel like you've been scoured on you inside.
Because wow. And even now I can feel my walls trying to protect me again. And I'm trying not to let them. And it's hard. I just want to throw my head under a blanket and pretend the problem doesn't exist because that's so much easier. So so much easier. Not nearly as healthy or good for acting. But it's safer and easier and it's disgusting me that I want to take the easy way out. I pride myself on not deflecting problems yet that is EXACTLY what I want to do now.
My professor was exactly right. I may not have many issues. But they are incredibly deep rooted and they also sit underneath the surface.

The Master Status Removal

Why can't we all just accept people for who they are and judge them on their own merits and not on things out of their control? I'm guilty of that. I know that and it hurts me to admit it. But I also know that I do try to keep an open mind most of the time. But seriously, why on earth do we think that we can simply hurt someone else?
So someone's Muslim. Who cares?
So someone's Christian. Who cares?
So someone's black. Who cares?
So someone's white. Who cares?
So someone's rich. Who cares?
So someone's poor. Who cares?
So someone's male. Who cares?
So someone's female. Who cares?
(this list is not exclusive)

Are we not all human beings? Do we not all deserve to be viewed as the person that we are? If you're an asshole, you should be judged as an asshole. If you're kind, then be judged as kind. What kind of person are they underneath all of the social labels that have been placed on them? Why should others decide their worth for them in the eyes of society?
Incidentally, I just realized that all of those can be master statuses. Huh.
Anyway, we should look past the labels of someone that have no technical difference in how someone should be treated and treat them as they are. But we should also treat them with kindness because as much as I would like for this to be the case (it would make things so much simpler), everyone no matter what actions they may take has good in them. Yes, everyone. Hitler, for example, was a doting son.
I'm not saying that we should discount all the bad a person does, but one shouldn't discount the good either. Look at or think about your neighbor. How have you treated him or her recently? Did you jump to any conclusions about them? Could you have showed more love? I'm not saying the world is all sunshine and daises because, well, right now it's kind of overcast and snowing a bit. But even just that little bit of effort into trying to understand someone else, to dropping your own walls, and treating them like a human being who deserves love, can make the world a cheerier place.

Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

Now matter how many times I watch it, when the Lord of the Rings music begins to play at the beginning of An Unexpected Journey, "it makes me want to cry".
Lord of the Rings is, to me, what Star Wars is to most people. My childhood can be summed up with Scooby Doo, Lord of the Rings, and Jurassic Park and reading more than should be humanly possibly along with the freedom to do as I pleased (which was basically watch those three and read and play with our animals). I fell in love with the world of Middle Earth, with the elves and the dwarves and the bad guys that got what they deserved. Fellowship of the Ring is one of my favorite movies and has been for nearly as long as Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie. Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie since I was four which should tell you how long I've been in love with these worlds and ideas. But that should also tell you how much I love Lord of the Rings. Those movies aren't short. They're frankly ridiculously long and I loved them enough to focus all the way through the extended edition of Fellowship of the Ring and even Two Towers. I've been watching them nearly as long as I can remember, and remember I was like six when Fellowship came out and I don't even remember watching it the first time. But it captivated me and I squirreled it away into my room until I had the first disk of the extended edition nearly memorized. (It remains my favorite disk of the now six (or ten if we count the first two Hobbit movies) in the extended editions. When other kids my age were watching cartoons and stuff, not that I didn't watch my fair share of Tom and Jerry and other various cartoons, I was off on the quest with Frodo or running from t-rexes with Dr. Grant or sailing with Captain Jack or running from the Mummy with Rick O'Connell. Those were my worlds and they inspired a love of the fantastic and epic, but also of finding joy in what moments one can.
Don't get me wrong, I like Star Wars. But there is something beautiful about the world of Middle Earth that I fell in love with long before I read the books. Sword fights and magic and epic quests to save the world from the evil ruler. How could I resist?
But to bring me back to my original point, about the music, I have such strong emotional attachments to the music that Howard Shore composed that hearing even a bar of it brings me back. The music is part of that world as much as the fighting and the journeying and the Ring are. And that world is part of my childhood and something that I love fiercely to this day.
I love the Hobbit movies despite their shortcomings because they brought me back home. And I am so incredibly grateful for being old enough to be grateful for the opportunity to watch  I've had to watch something new that helped shape my childhood. I know I'll feel the same way when Jurassic World comes out (cried when I saw the trailer and every time since that I've seen it I've either cried or seriously teared up). I'm cautious right now but I will love it because it too comes from a world that helped to shape my childhood and my career choices (see that one post on one of my two blogs about why Jurassic Park means so much to me).
I'm so grateful for Peter Jackson for bringing us back to Middle Earth (even if he got a few things wrong or added certain details). He and the cast and crew will never know how grateful I am. I am grateful for being able to go home again.
I would love most dearly to be able to be part of a Jurassic Park movie or something about Middle Earth. Considering the Silmarillion is still a possibility and Jurassic Park is coming back, I may yet have my wish granted but I also understand the level of work I'm going to have to do if I want to succeed in that.
The reason for the sappiness right now is I'm going to go see Battle of the Five Armies again tomorrow (technically today) and I felt like expressing emotions because I'm going to be swarmed with them tomorrow (technically today).
I don't know what my parents were thinking, letting me watch such violent, beautiful shows at such an impressionable age, but I'm grateful that they did. I'm also grateful because I got to share Lord of the Rings with my best friend and even more grateful that she also loves them too. Some people started watching horror movies at a young age. I like horror. But action, adventure, and science fiction and fantasy will always be more beautiful for me.
Maybe I should do a post on my favorite movies growing up.
Anyway, here's some Lord of the Rings or Hobbit stuff. Mostly Youtube videos. And as soon as I find the video I want and can't find, I will be adding that one.

BotFA trailer that came out the day after my birthday
BotFA trailer that came out exactly a week after my birthday
BotFA that makes me want to cry
Lord of the Rings in 99 Seconds (Yes, I know all the words...)
AUJ Announcement Trailer
RotK trailer
TT trailer
Lord of the Rings and Frozen. Literally not sure what to make of it.
An Unexpected Parody

Jump.

It's the urge to jump. Being content, in my books, is the same as being stagnant. There is no change, no variation. It's just being. No life should be lived in that way. Life should be lived passionately and in such a way that you can say, "Yes, I jumped." What you're jumping into and off of, that's what separates each of us. Intentions is necessary. Feel the urge, let it guide you. Let it join with logic and reason. But when reason is at odds with this desire, choose instinct. You may make more mistakes that way, but at least life is being lived. Besides, first instincts are usually the best ones.

Man, I know what I was feeling. But what was I thinking?

It's been pretty hectic the past little bit. But right now I'm kind of going through an emotional crisis. It doesn't happen very often because I pride myself on pretty much being impervious and riding the storm. But I'm getting slammed by family problems and I'm stressed about the future and the one thing I had to hope for that would let me destress a little isn't happening. I'm incredibly hyperaware of money and bills and costs and all of that and it doesn't help that we're doing a poverty thing in sociology, which is stressing me out even more, especially when I am painfully aware of what I am and what I'm not. I'm not super people-friendly, especially when I'm tired or hungry. I don't have much job experience and the little tiny bit I do have won't help me find a job. I would stay in school to get the abilities needed for my career but college is so freaking expensive. So literally, I have nothing going for me.
Plus, I miss my cat. It sounds silly, but this is honestly the first time I've lived without an animal in my entire lifetime. I've always had at least a cat or a dog, and usually multiple animals.

Most people hit this stage back in October. Me, I'm too optimistic for that. But unfortunately, I'm also the type to cut my losses and run so I'm straining against my base nature at this point. I'm sure I'll work through it. But seriously. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to go into this career? I'm so far behind and no one gets it. I don't think they understand how serious I am about it and how much it scares me. This is literally the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken in my life and I run on faith like nobody else but this scares me. There. I've admitted it. In fact, I just admitted it in public.
I'm. Scared. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the word I'm actually looking for is terrified. Because all of these other people have been doing theatre or theatrey things for years. They've been acting for years. Who the hell do I think I am to think that I can just waltz up there behind in experience and training and just expect that I'll be able to do as well as them.
But in order to catch up, I'll have to double time and there's still no assurance that I'll do well. I could be absolute rubbish. But I deep in my heart of hearts don't believe that. I just need the chance to prove to myself and to everybody else that I can do this.

So, because I'm struggling right now, I'm going to ask all of you to do something for me. Find a friend who isn't having the easiest time and give them a hug. Tell them that it'll be okay. Tell them that they can hang in there and it isn't the end. And if you're the one who needs to hear this, then give someone a hug and just take comfort in them.

Quote from tonight's episode: "Guns and liquor. What could go wrong?"

I was going to put a video up. But apparently, I need to learn how to work this...
To sum it up:
I hate today. Today is the 6 year anniversary of my dog's death.
I had a callback today.
Z Nation is on in... now.
I'm getting fall for the first time in nine years.
I turn 19 in less than two weeks.
And I want people to talk to me.

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