Glorious.

I've been really hesitant to put another post up because this is my fiftieth one. That's kind of a big number to me. I dunno.
But I wish I could just transfer my emotions right now to all of you because there is no way that I'll be able to explain them well.
I'm excited. And terrified. And thrilled. And worried. And anticipating. And ready. So, so ready.

You can read about it in more detail on my other blog, Journey to Who: An American Actress. But I've landed my first acting role. Which I suppose is a momentous enough occasion to have it feature on my fiftieth post on here, the blog that started it all. I named my Tumblr after this blog, after all. This blog is the sum of my dreams and thoughts even when I can't admit them to other people and represents my secrets. The desire to soar freely, unfettered by the chains of the world. The exhilaration of doing something other people could only dream of. Freedom and joy, the two things I want most in this world. The night is my world and it is at night when others are filled with fear of the unknown that I most want my dreams, indeed when my dreaming is the most intense. Fear has no place in my life. Uncertainty is there only because I struggle with confidence (which is admittedly a bizarre thing for someone as proud as I am). The bird isn't afraid of the branch breaking beneath its weight; it trusts in its own ability to fly. And I do trust in my abilities in the moment.

I am Brooke Amber Harding. I am the sum of my ancestors and my own actions. I am the past, present, and future at once because of where I came from, what I am, and the infinite possibilities of where my line will go. I know where I'm from. I know some of what my ancestors had to do so that I would end up being where I am now. I'm a contradiction and I wouldn't change a single thing about me. It's taken me nearly five years to be comfortable in my skin. I've finally accepted the fact that I have a fairly large bosom and that's taken me...nearly eight years for that. I can be female and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I've finally let myself dream rather than just resignation over my role that I was supposed to play being female and LDS. It's okay for me to be my own person. It's okay for me to love even though I know that I'm the kind that will mate for life and that terrifies me. I know that I can find someone who will love me with all the imperfections that I love too because they keep me human. I'm not perfect and I've finally accepted that I don't have to be. We've always been taught in the LDS church to strive for perfection knowing that we cannot make it. And I tried to be perfect which resulted in me being less than acceptably imperfect. As long as I try to be the best I can be, that's all anyone can ask and what I think was what I was actually supposed to learn. I've learned to love myself, all of me. I won't ask for any more from my mate but I will ask for freedom to be true to my heart, which does not lie in being fettered. I will willingly submit as long as there is nothing forcing me to do so. It will be my choice. My story has been one of freedom suddenly restricted and at the faintest hint of freedom again, everything in me strains for it. Fiercely proud and independent, I want to see the depths of humanity, the good and the bad. There are no lukewarm feelings with me. They are either there with all the power of a hurricane or completely absent. This is me. I am an introverted dreamer and an extroverted doer and I exist as both.

But I'm not alone on my journey and I wouldn't want to be. I want to share my journey and my feelings with the people I care about. And people care about me. I've been blessed. And I hope that I've blessed others' lives.
But I won't apologize for being who I am, not when I'm finally comfortable with her.
It's been three years since this blog was started. And I've never been more amazed with how my life has gone. From a sophomore in high school to a freshman in college and hopefully beyond, you guys have been with me and hopefully you'll be with me in the future because even though I don't know who many of you are, I count you as my friends. Not my best friends because that place is incredibly difficult to reach. But you're my friends regardless and that means I care about you. Seriously, I'm totally cool with just chatting if you want to. Leave me a comment or something and tell me about your day. Because I honestly really do want to hear about it.

Ooh, ummm, here's a car. It's pretty. And you can look up that stats if you want.

But the really funny thing about this car, (Ferrari 458) is there's a recall for it right now because people are getting locked in the trunk and the only time the mechanism releases is when the car's in motion. Please keep in mind that the trunk is in the front of the car and do you see how much ground clearance that car has? I don't even want to know how people found that out nor do I want to know who got in trouble at Ferrari for this. Heehee.

I turn 19 in just over a month. That is terrifying. And I don't think I'll ever get over this adding years thing. And I'm either getting married in the next two years or I won't be getting married until I'm like thirty because that's how it works in my family. 

I feel like I come across as bossy and insensitive when in reality it hurts me when other people are in pain and I have to do whatever I can to make them feel better.

I'm very action-oriented. Actions definitely speak louder than words to me. Which, in retrospect, is why I never believe guys when they tell me they love me. Because their actions haven't told me so and so therefore their words must be lies. Ir's either a problem or it isn't. Not sure which right now.

Anyway, I am going to go do...I don't know. So have a fabulous day.

Ooh, I forgot to mention. Here's the link for Glorious by David Archuleta. Oh, my gosh. It's so beautiful. Watch it. Love it. It's so beautiful. And he's got dimples. It's not even fair.