Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

Now matter how many times I watch it, when the Lord of the Rings music begins to play at the beginning of An Unexpected Journey, "it makes me want to cry".
Lord of the Rings is, to me, what Star Wars is to most people. My childhood can be summed up with Scooby Doo, Lord of the Rings, and Jurassic Park and reading more than should be humanly possibly along with the freedom to do as I pleased (which was basically watch those three and read and play with our animals). I fell in love with the world of Middle Earth, with the elves and the dwarves and the bad guys that got what they deserved. Fellowship of the Ring is one of my favorite movies and has been for nearly as long as Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie. Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie since I was four which should tell you how long I've been in love with these worlds and ideas. But that should also tell you how much I love Lord of the Rings. Those movies aren't short. They're frankly ridiculously long and I loved them enough to focus all the way through the extended edition of Fellowship of the Ring and even Two Towers. I've been watching them nearly as long as I can remember, and remember I was like six when Fellowship came out and I don't even remember watching it the first time. But it captivated me and I squirreled it away into my room until I had the first disk of the extended edition nearly memorized. (It remains my favorite disk of the now six (or ten if we count the first two Hobbit movies) in the extended editions. When other kids my age were watching cartoons and stuff, not that I didn't watch my fair share of Tom and Jerry and other various cartoons, I was off on the quest with Frodo or running from t-rexes with Dr. Grant or sailing with Captain Jack or running from the Mummy with Rick O'Connell. Those were my worlds and they inspired a love of the fantastic and epic, but also of finding joy in what moments one can.
Don't get me wrong, I like Star Wars. But there is something beautiful about the world of Middle Earth that I fell in love with long before I read the books. Sword fights and magic and epic quests to save the world from the evil ruler. How could I resist?
But to bring me back to my original point, about the music, I have such strong emotional attachments to the music that Howard Shore composed that hearing even a bar of it brings me back. The music is part of that world as much as the fighting and the journeying and the Ring are. And that world is part of my childhood and something that I love fiercely to this day.
I love the Hobbit movies despite their shortcomings because they brought me back home. And I am so incredibly grateful for being old enough to be grateful for the opportunity to watch  I've had to watch something new that helped shape my childhood. I know I'll feel the same way when Jurassic World comes out (cried when I saw the trailer and every time since that I've seen it I've either cried or seriously teared up). I'm cautious right now but I will love it because it too comes from a world that helped to shape my childhood and my career choices (see that one post on one of my two blogs about why Jurassic Park means so much to me).
I'm so grateful for Peter Jackson for bringing us back to Middle Earth (even if he got a few things wrong or added certain details). He and the cast and crew will never know how grateful I am. I am grateful for being able to go home again.
I would love most dearly to be able to be part of a Jurassic Park movie or something about Middle Earth. Considering the Silmarillion is still a possibility and Jurassic Park is coming back, I may yet have my wish granted but I also understand the level of work I'm going to have to do if I want to succeed in that.
The reason for the sappiness right now is I'm going to go see Battle of the Five Armies again tomorrow (technically today) and I felt like expressing emotions because I'm going to be swarmed with them tomorrow (technically today).
I don't know what my parents were thinking, letting me watch such violent, beautiful shows at such an impressionable age, but I'm grateful that they did. I'm also grateful because I got to share Lord of the Rings with my best friend and even more grateful that she also loves them too. Some people started watching horror movies at a young age. I like horror. But action, adventure, and science fiction and fantasy will always be more beautiful for me.
Maybe I should do a post on my favorite movies growing up.
Anyway, here's some Lord of the Rings or Hobbit stuff. Mostly Youtube videos. And as soon as I find the video I want and can't find, I will be adding that one.

BotFA trailer that came out the day after my birthday
BotFA trailer that came out exactly a week after my birthday
BotFA that makes me want to cry
Lord of the Rings in 99 Seconds (Yes, I know all the words...)
AUJ Announcement Trailer
RotK trailer
TT trailer
Lord of the Rings and Frozen. Literally not sure what to make of it.
An Unexpected Parody

Jump.

It's the urge to jump. Being content, in my books, is the same as being stagnant. There is no change, no variation. It's just being. No life should be lived in that way. Life should be lived passionately and in such a way that you can say, "Yes, I jumped." What you're jumping into and off of, that's what separates each of us. Intentions is necessary. Feel the urge, let it guide you. Let it join with logic and reason. But when reason is at odds with this desire, choose instinct. You may make more mistakes that way, but at least life is being lived. Besides, first instincts are usually the best ones.

Man, I know what I was feeling. But what was I thinking?

It's been pretty hectic the past little bit. But right now I'm kind of going through an emotional crisis. It doesn't happen very often because I pride myself on pretty much being impervious and riding the storm. But I'm getting slammed by family problems and I'm stressed about the future and the one thing I had to hope for that would let me destress a little isn't happening. I'm incredibly hyperaware of money and bills and costs and all of that and it doesn't help that we're doing a poverty thing in sociology, which is stressing me out even more, especially when I am painfully aware of what I am and what I'm not. I'm not super people-friendly, especially when I'm tired or hungry. I don't have much job experience and the little tiny bit I do have won't help me find a job. I would stay in school to get the abilities needed for my career but college is so freaking expensive. So literally, I have nothing going for me.
Plus, I miss my cat. It sounds silly, but this is honestly the first time I've lived without an animal in my entire lifetime. I've always had at least a cat or a dog, and usually multiple animals.

Most people hit this stage back in October. Me, I'm too optimistic for that. But unfortunately, I'm also the type to cut my losses and run so I'm straining against my base nature at this point. I'm sure I'll work through it. But seriously. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to go into this career? I'm so far behind and no one gets it. I don't think they understand how serious I am about it and how much it scares me. This is literally the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken in my life and I run on faith like nobody else but this scares me. There. I've admitted it. In fact, I just admitted it in public.
I'm. Scared. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the word I'm actually looking for is terrified. Because all of these other people have been doing theatre or theatrey things for years. They've been acting for years. Who the hell do I think I am to think that I can just waltz up there behind in experience and training and just expect that I'll be able to do as well as them.
But in order to catch up, I'll have to double time and there's still no assurance that I'll do well. I could be absolute rubbish. But I deep in my heart of hearts don't believe that. I just need the chance to prove to myself and to everybody else that I can do this.

So, because I'm struggling right now, I'm going to ask all of you to do something for me. Find a friend who isn't having the easiest time and give them a hug. Tell them that it'll be okay. Tell them that they can hang in there and it isn't the end. And if you're the one who needs to hear this, then give someone a hug and just take comfort in them.

Quote from tonight's episode: "Guns and liquor. What could go wrong?"

I was going to put a video up. But apparently, I need to learn how to work this...
To sum it up:
I hate today. Today is the 6 year anniversary of my dog's death.
I had a callback today.
Z Nation is on in... now.
I'm getting fall for the first time in nine years.
I turn 19 in less than two weeks.
And I want people to talk to me.

I'm on Twitter (@brookeaharding), Facebook (Brooke Harding), Instagram (sort of), and Tumblr (just-a-little-fangirl-love)

Send me something, anything, tell me about your day, about your dreams. Why you read this. Anything. Something. Ooh, and tell me what country you're from too.

Some clever something but I'm not sure what fits this...

As soon as I get the video up on my computer, I'll be putting up a video for today, not an actual post.
Also, I will get my post for Z Nation up eventually. It will only cover the first five episodes because [spoilers spoilers spoilers].

But, here! Have a picture from Z Nation!!!

Addy and Mack

Glorious.

I've been really hesitant to put another post up because this is my fiftieth one. That's kind of a big number to me. I dunno.
But I wish I could just transfer my emotions right now to all of you because there is no way that I'll be able to explain them well.
I'm excited. And terrified. And thrilled. And worried. And anticipating. And ready. So, so ready.

You can read about it in more detail on my other blog, Journey to Who: An American Actress. But I've landed my first acting role. Which I suppose is a momentous enough occasion to have it feature on my fiftieth post on here, the blog that started it all. I named my Tumblr after this blog, after all. This blog is the sum of my dreams and thoughts even when I can't admit them to other people and represents my secrets. The desire to soar freely, unfettered by the chains of the world. The exhilaration of doing something other people could only dream of. Freedom and joy, the two things I want most in this world. The night is my world and it is at night when others are filled with fear of the unknown that I most want my dreams, indeed when my dreaming is the most intense. Fear has no place in my life. Uncertainty is there only because I struggle with confidence (which is admittedly a bizarre thing for someone as proud as I am). The bird isn't afraid of the branch breaking beneath its weight; it trusts in its own ability to fly. And I do trust in my abilities in the moment.

I am Brooke Amber Harding. I am the sum of my ancestors and my own actions. I am the past, present, and future at once because of where I came from, what I am, and the infinite possibilities of where my line will go. I know where I'm from. I know some of what my ancestors had to do so that I would end up being where I am now. I'm a contradiction and I wouldn't change a single thing about me. It's taken me nearly five years to be comfortable in my skin. I've finally accepted the fact that I have a fairly large bosom and that's taken me...nearly eight years for that. I can be female and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I've finally let myself dream rather than just resignation over my role that I was supposed to play being female and LDS. It's okay for me to be my own person. It's okay for me to love even though I know that I'm the kind that will mate for life and that terrifies me. I know that I can find someone who will love me with all the imperfections that I love too because they keep me human. I'm not perfect and I've finally accepted that I don't have to be. We've always been taught in the LDS church to strive for perfection knowing that we cannot make it. And I tried to be perfect which resulted in me being less than acceptably imperfect. As long as I try to be the best I can be, that's all anyone can ask and what I think was what I was actually supposed to learn. I've learned to love myself, all of me. I won't ask for any more from my mate but I will ask for freedom to be true to my heart, which does not lie in being fettered. I will willingly submit as long as there is nothing forcing me to do so. It will be my choice. My story has been one of freedom suddenly restricted and at the faintest hint of freedom again, everything in me strains for it. Fiercely proud and independent, I want to see the depths of humanity, the good and the bad. There are no lukewarm feelings with me. They are either there with all the power of a hurricane or completely absent. This is me. I am an introverted dreamer and an extroverted doer and I exist as both.

But I'm not alone on my journey and I wouldn't want to be. I want to share my journey and my feelings with the people I care about. And people care about me. I've been blessed. And I hope that I've blessed others' lives.
But I won't apologize for being who I am, not when I'm finally comfortable with her.
It's been three years since this blog was started. And I've never been more amazed with how my life has gone. From a sophomore in high school to a freshman in college and hopefully beyond, you guys have been with me and hopefully you'll be with me in the future because even though I don't know who many of you are, I count you as my friends. Not my best friends because that place is incredibly difficult to reach. But you're my friends regardless and that means I care about you. Seriously, I'm totally cool with just chatting if you want to. Leave me a comment or something and tell me about your day. Because I honestly really do want to hear about it.

Ooh, ummm, here's a car. It's pretty. And you can look up that stats if you want.

But the really funny thing about this car, (Ferrari 458) is there's a recall for it right now because people are getting locked in the trunk and the only time the mechanism releases is when the car's in motion. Please keep in mind that the trunk is in the front of the car and do you see how much ground clearance that car has? I don't even want to know how people found that out nor do I want to know who got in trouble at Ferrari for this. Heehee.

I turn 19 in just over a month. That is terrifying. And I don't think I'll ever get over this adding years thing. And I'm either getting married in the next two years or I won't be getting married until I'm like thirty because that's how it works in my family. 

I feel like I come across as bossy and insensitive when in reality it hurts me when other people are in pain and I have to do whatever I can to make them feel better.

I'm very action-oriented. Actions definitely speak louder than words to me. Which, in retrospect, is why I never believe guys when they tell me they love me. Because their actions haven't told me so and so therefore their words must be lies. Ir's either a problem or it isn't. Not sure which right now.

Anyway, I am going to go do...I don't know. So have a fabulous day.

Ooh, I forgot to mention. Here's the link for Glorious by David Archuleta. Oh, my gosh. It's so beautiful. Watch it. Love it. It's so beautiful. And he's got dimples. It's not even fair.

Sociology, WHAT?

I really love my sociology class. It's absolutely fascinating, besides the fact that I don't think like most of the people in my class which could be the result of having a comparatively liberal upbringing and having lived in Las Vegas, AKA Sin City. But, whatever. I knew I wouldn't completely fit in here.

But the really fascinating thing is that technically, my life has been set up in such a way (and I'm sure it's not because my parents did it on purpose) that I have the highest chance possible to succeed at whatever I do. Both my parents are college educated, which gives me a plus. My parents are married, even though my mom was unmarried when she gave birth but she had a college degree and she was working, another plus with a small minus. I was raised as an only child even though I have siblings, plus. My family is middle-class, plus. And these aren't even counting the effect that where I was living has made a difference in my upbringing. So, really, from a sociologist's viewpoint, it would be fascinating to see how I end up and how my life plays out. I only wish I could study me but since I'm actually invested in this, there would be a significant bias and in any study, one should limit the bias exposure.
But really, It would be interesting to see. And who knows. Maybe someone is studying me right now without my knowledge.