Sociology, WHAT?

I really love my sociology class. It's absolutely fascinating, besides the fact that I don't think like most of the people in my class which could be the result of having a comparatively liberal upbringing and having lived in Las Vegas, AKA Sin City. But, whatever. I knew I wouldn't completely fit in here.

But the really fascinating thing is that technically, my life has been set up in such a way (and I'm sure it's not because my parents did it on purpose) that I have the highest chance possible to succeed at whatever I do. Both my parents are college educated, which gives me a plus. My parents are married, even though my mom was unmarried when she gave birth but she had a college degree and she was working, another plus with a small minus. I was raised as an only child even though I have siblings, plus. My family is middle-class, plus. And these aren't even counting the effect that where I was living has made a difference in my upbringing. So, really, from a sociologist's viewpoint, it would be fascinating to see how I end up and how my life plays out. I only wish I could study me but since I'm actually invested in this, there would be a significant bias and in any study, one should limit the bias exposure.
But really, It would be interesting to see. And who knows. Maybe someone is studying me right now without my knowledge.

Passion and Love

There are people in the world who want the type of love that is like an old friend, comfortable and familiar, warm and soft. It's perfectly understandable and I see many of my friends finding a love like that. And it makes me a little envious, I'm not ashamed to admit that. And in so many books, that's what the love is and it makes me smile because it's cute and sweet and what these people and characters deserve and I don't begrudge them that because that's what they want and need, even if I don't understand.
Because I never truly identified with those stories. I identify with the passionate loves, the once in a lifetime loves. The loves where loss of one is beyond devastating for the partner who has been left behind. Where instead of the warm glow of love, it's the fire and heat of emotion without name which is to love what grief is to sadness. I want to be scorched by the flames of eternal passion, to have the scars from that heat seared into my bared soul, to have my entire being purified and tempered like steel out of a refiner's fire.
I understand that I may live my entire life without finding what I want and while that is one of the most depressing thoughts of my life, I need someone whose passion for life rivals my own because I don't want to burn my partner up in the heat of my emotions. When I feel an emotion, it is an all-consuming arrow straight to the center of my being. Grief, most frequently felt for fictional characters and animals, tears my heart apart and I don't recover. I cover it and bury it but the scars still live and are tender if pressed. It's the only thing that allows me to empathize the emotion when I should be feeling it and am not, though others are. I feel joy the same way, shining out of the depths of my soul like some ancient beacon of light.
We are all different and how we feel emotions differs too. But it is a lonely thought that I will watch friends fall in love and remain on the outside because I have not the ability to feel the tenderer side of love for people, despite the deeper valleys between in a relationship of passion. Passion is, indeed, the only word I can use to describe that emotion without name. It exists but...

"We loved with a love that was more than love." ~Edgar Allan Pow

That exemplifies what I want. And I'm willing to wait an eternity to find it.

My life has been explained...

You guys! Sorry, I'm about to go on a rant about sociology, my major and easily the most fascinating class I've ever taken in my entire lifetime. But I promise, it's worth it.
Okay, so basically, I just had the reason for so much about me explained. In an hour. No trickery, no jiggery pokery. Because STUDIES.

Anyway, so basically what we talked about today was socialization, which is basically the process by which we internalize the norms, beliefs, and rules of the society we live in. Boring, right? WRONG! Everything about our lives is dictated by socialization, this sort of brainwashing effect that happened to us and is still happening to us now. Right now. This very moment. For like 99% of the population it starts from birth (don't quote me on that statistic). There's this whole big learning about the self vs. other that I'm not going to get into even though it's pretty vital. But basically we learn the social rules and things for various situations and we learn to apply them more generally as we internalize more and more (ex: naivety of a small town vs "street ed" of a big city) so that eventually we can function in this world without the help of others. Social anxiety, as far as I can tell, stems from a lack of rules for given situations. And it's super comforting because that's normal. That is a normal, human trait. Some people experience it worse than others and others can't cope with it as well as others. But it is normal, even though we usually don't understand why we feel anxious. I always did. Not to make myself sound special or whatnot, but I've always had a high sensitivity for societal rules. So I understood why I had anxiety in various situations that were out of my control. But I always thought something was wrong with me because of it. Nope. In that aspect, there is nothing wrong with me. And that was good because while I embrace my individuality or weirdness, I also have this internal strain to follow those rules. Causes conflict, which is another thing we discussed.
But SES (socioeconomic status) plays a HUGE role in socialization. And here's where I got the understanding that explained. Okay, so we have socialization, right? Well, based on your SES, different expectations are placed on you. Middle class children (and up, technically) are basically groomed to inhabit roughly the same sphere of influence as their parents and the parents fill their childrens' free time with formal activities whereas working class parents give their children more "free" time. And here's where it gets interesting. For me, anyway. Because of the circles that I was in because of tennis, I've learned how to interact and mimic people who are in a higher class than I am. (Unless they're sprung on me by surprise (ex: Michael Welch at Comic Con this past weekend) then I have difficulty speaking and crap because I'm trying to exist in two classes at once and it's incredibly difficult for me to do that). There are telltale signs that I'm from a middle class family, but I also have upper class influences because of my father and tennis. My father was resocialized to have an upper class attitude and that's been passed down to me by socialization. Story time!!! So basically, I got the freedom of "free" time of working class (ex: my childhood up until I moved to Vegas, I was pretty much left alone and to my own devices except at school) at which point, my mother (as we were transitioning from working/middle to middle/upper) decided to put me in tennis as what my textbook would call a formal activity. Tennis governed my life because that's what my mother wanted me to do. She still wants me to do it professionally, but that isn't what's in my heart of hearts. Tennis had me involved with the rich kids so I learned to move with them and I can totally handle people who think they're better than everyone else now. It helped that IB also had that mentality, which I will confess I've always had that with my intelligence but everything else, I've been painfully aware of where my social standing in comparison to everyone else. But I also have, as my mother would call it, champagne tastes. Which means that technically the formula for upward mobility is in place for me, which is weird. I can see myself mingling with the elites of society but I can also see myself out in a pasture or out in a barn mucking out stalls. It's weird thinking of myself as a study subject. But it also explains why I want to do what I want to do. Like my entire life has been explained to me. I have these particular dreams because of the circumstances with which I was brought up and the interests that I was allowed to develop. It's incredible to be able to have something like that explained so simply. It's incredible.

FRIENDS!!!

Still haven't found anyone who is a best friend material, but I do have to, possibly three, that have that potential. Three of my classes are covered (one in Chem, one in Soc, and one in History). They're really cool and I think I can mold the Soc and History ones into being complete and total fangirls. One of them already is, technically, but doesn't watch much Doctor Who. The other has the right personality but I don't think she's watched any of the holy three so I'll have to introduce her. Which means I'll have to rewatch them. Such a shame. What? Just totally quoted a video game right there. I'm such a nerd, I know. The third one... I'm cautious BECAUSE I'm at BYU which has a ridiculously high marriage rate and I don't want to get married any time soon because...no. Plus, expect the guys to want to get married. And he's a guy, so...

But the really funny part of all of this is my theatre class is actually where I'm starting to get to know the most people. Which means that I'm getting this field of support that I desperately need right now. So thank you Savannah, Michaela, Morgan, and Tammy. Shout out to y'all. You're awesome! And it's okay for me there. Y'all didn't laugh or anything when I said that I had little to no experience in theatre. Thank you. You're helping me love the class that I am easily the most cautious about but the one I'd already decided to love.

Rule 9

I was flipping through my Facebook page and I came across this link. I read it and I realized, yet again, that I need to stop taking everything so seriously. I have a sense of humor, and it's difficult for me to be offended, but at the same time, there is no middle ground. I'm horribly conscious of the effects of decisions. That being said, I do need to just enjoy life. But I can't quite do that until I've got some stability. So, in the meantime, we're going to have brief surges of what I call irresponsibility and what normal people call enjoyment or fun. Foreign concept, I know. But I have been working on it. It's the problem with being me. I'm not really understood. And that is okay. As much as part of me wants to be understood, there's another part of me that thrives on existing outside of understanding. And I tend to follow that one more. The need to stand out, apart, in the world but not of it. You know? Oh well. Here's the link.

Rules for Students and Teachers

Which, technically, we should never stop learning and teaching. So that applies to everyone.

The Potentials of Us All

The worth of a person lies not in their achievements, but in their potentials. We forget, sometimes, as human beings that very basic fundamental. The question we must all ask ourselves, when criticizing another, is not what can't they do but rather what can they do. The shy dreamers, typically the idealists, dream of a world that is happier, kinder, and more suitable for having dreams. Yet they lack the confidence to make the world their world. The proud extroverts, those who gleam in the spotlight with confidence and frequently do not understand their more soft-spoken cousins, are as much a drive for change as any other individual. Change, therefore, does not need to be an eternal change. Even a brief change can suffice as that proves the change could potentially be permanent.
Potential. The word that terrifies and thrills. We know not what our own potential is until we have achieved it. Others may see our potential when we cannot. We may not have the faith in ourselves and the universe to believe them. Steady or flighty, proud or humble, meek or mighty, rich or poor, we all have the potential to be true to ourselves, our desires, and our minds despite the criticisms of others. Don't be afraid of being misunderstood. History's most misunderstood individuals have tendencies to be incredibly well known and loved (see Vincent Van Gogh for an example). Let go of fear of judgement, no matter how painful or difficult it is. Be yourself.
And that, friends, can be the most remarkable and important changes anyone can make. Because once that change is made, there is not limit, for good or ill, on the actions that could be made. And an infinity is far greater than a defined story. An infinity is too much to be stopped. Believe with me. Even when we are torn apart, our feelings can unite us. And an idea cannot be killed.

Hey, Soul Sister! part 1

...In natural tendencies with my personality traits (including friendly but reserved, accepting but dismissive, and open but defensive), I'm finding myself starting to get stressed out. I don't have access to my best friend and I probably won't until she gets back from her mission. Not having that needed support (many friends but very few close ones) in a new place with stressors that normally I wouldn't have too much of a problem with if I had access to Anayetzy, it's beginning to unsettle my spirit. Anayetzy is my soul sister, the other part of me, and it's been this way for both of us since 6th grade. We may look nothing alike, but even our seminary teacher commented how rare it was to see one without the other and how we were basically twins. For someone who grew up without close siblings (age, proximity, you name it), she was what I desperately needed at a time when I couldn't have hated the world more and I did the same for her a few years later.

Like I said. I don't have access anymore. Different states and she's preparing to go on a mission. Which means that I need someone to mend the part of me that is broken without her. So with all the people that I'm meeting, I'm running them through my tests, seeing who is a potential and who would work as is. I met one person last night who on initial communications I thought could have been a decent plaster until I could get my girl back. By the end of communications, no. She wouldn't work. My roommate won't work because it's bad to be best friends with your roommate. I need someone to at least partially patch up that hole. I don't want someone to replace my best friend. I'd never forgive myself if I did. I just need someone to keep me from falling apart. And yeah, I know that this still early days...But I know what I turn into when I don't have the supports I need. And I really don't want that. It's selfish, I know. But when I move to LA, I'm going to need her to come with me and rent an apartment with me. She is and has been my rock since I met her. And then once I get settled and start doing my acting thing, we both want to move to London. We've already discussed it and have started planning that. And I can't ask her to forgo her mission. That's something she needs to do, just like I need to be here.

So, at this point I'm praying that I meet the person that will keep me together long enough for Anayetzy to come back. Because I need my best friend. I'm willing to do without her because I'm ridiculously self-sacrificing and I'll never tell her how much I need her with me. Because she's like me. Ridiculously self-sacrificing, especially for the people we love. So when she gets back, she'd better be ready for big Brooke hug and lots of crying.
So, yeah. I'm feeling lonely. But I'll survive. Except I don't want to survive because surviving with me turns me meaner than a rattle snake and that is not an okay thing for me to be right now.