...In natural tendencies with my personality traits (including friendly but reserved, accepting but dismissive, and open but defensive), I'm finding myself starting to get stressed out. I don't have access to my best friend and I probably won't until she gets back from her mission. Not having that needed support (many friends but very few close ones) in a new place with stressors that normally I wouldn't have too much of a problem with if I had access to Anayetzy, it's beginning to unsettle my spirit. Anayetzy is my soul sister, the other part of me, and it's been this way for both of us since 6th grade. We may look nothing alike, but even our seminary teacher commented how rare it was to see one without the other and how we were basically twins. For someone who grew up without close siblings (age, proximity, you name it), she was what I desperately needed at a time when I couldn't have hated the world more and I did the same for her a few years later.
Like I said. I don't have access anymore. Different states and she's preparing to go on a mission. Which means that I need someone to mend the part of me that is broken without her. So with all the people that I'm meeting, I'm running them through my tests, seeing who is a potential and who would work as is. I met one person last night who on initial communications I thought could have been a decent plaster until I could get my girl back. By the end of communications, no. She wouldn't work. My roommate won't work because it's bad to be best friends with your roommate. I need someone to at least partially patch up that hole. I don't want someone to replace my best friend. I'd never forgive myself if I did. I just need someone to keep me from falling apart. And yeah, I know that this still early days...But I know what I turn into when I don't have the supports I need. And I really don't want that. It's selfish, I know. But when I move to LA, I'm going to need her to come with me and rent an apartment with me. She is and has been my rock since I met her. And then once I get settled and start doing my acting thing, we both want to move to London. We've already discussed it and have started planning that. And I can't ask her to forgo her mission. That's something she needs to do, just like I need to be here.
So, at this point I'm praying that I meet the person that will keep me together long enough for Anayetzy to come back. Because I need my best friend. I'm willing to do without her because I'm ridiculously self-sacrificing and I'll never tell her how much I need her with me. Because she's like me. Ridiculously self-sacrificing, especially for the people we love. So when she gets back, she'd better be ready for big Brooke hug and lots of crying.
So, yeah. I'm feeling lonely. But I'll survive. Except I don't want to survive because surviving with me turns me meaner than a rattle snake and that is not an okay thing for me to be right now.
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