Singing
Flying
Breaking
Dying
How the heart swings
In agony
Break in two and still it beats
Labored
Fading
Reason?
Strength and dreaming
Revived
But remembering
Eternal
Friday, May 2, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Temporary Home
What is a home? A home is a place of residence, but it's not. A home is where you are living and growing, not just where you are staying or existing. It's where your heart is. Sometimes we must say goodbye to our home and find another one. But the former one will always be within our hearts, a part of us and a part of our history. Our hearts belong there. But our hearts can belong to more than one place. Mine will always belong to Idaho. It's where I was born and where I learned my lessons of life and death and joy and loss. But I hope to add homes to my heart, that I can learn the joy of living somewhere else, something I have never experienced. Nevada made me bitter. School was the only home I had here and the prospect of leaving, while sad to leave behind those enfolded in my hearts, I look forward with joy to learn the excitement of moving.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Me
I have discovered the purpose of a blog. I may not have all that many posts. But they give me the inspiration for myself that I so desperately need right now. Because what am I but a sum of my memories? Of the feelings that I once felt that I will probably feel again? Nothing is irrelevant and everything matters. I am the wild angel, the uncaged bird, the powerful tiger, and the loyal dog. I am me and I always will be. Time may change what I think but my feelings are mine and they always will be. For what else can I be but me?
Staring college in the face, I realize that this is my opportunity to spread those wings that have been crippled by decisions others have made for me. My decisions now will affect the rest of my life.
One of my earlier posts spoke about fighting the tide that was sweeping me along my life. I'm ready for the tide now. From here on out, my life will be a whirlwind of triumph and failures. Do I want to fail? No, of course not. No sane person does. I want to be the best and prove I am the best. I have the pride that will push me to go far and tth faith to know that I can be me and a me that people will love.
I was never meant to sit back. I was born to lead and lead I shall.
Staring college in the face, I realize that this is my opportunity to spread those wings that have been crippled by decisions others have made for me. My decisions now will affect the rest of my life.
One of my earlier posts spoke about fighting the tide that was sweeping me along my life. I'm ready for the tide now. From here on out, my life will be a whirlwind of triumph and failures. Do I want to fail? No, of course not. No sane person does. I want to be the best and prove I am the best. I have the pride that will push me to go far and tth faith to know that I can be me and a me that people will love.
I was never meant to sit back. I was born to lead and lead I shall.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
I seem to have been on a hiatus, much like Sherlock. Oh, well. This isn't for anyone but me. Rather cathartic.
But, as is always the case when I turn to the written word to express that which lurks, I'm feeling rather conflicted. This time, and I dearly hope that no one ever sees this, it is on matters of the heart. Since celebrities were a thing, there have been passing fans, casual fans, fans, biggest fans and obssessed fans, now known collectively as fan girls. I fear I am straying into this last category with a British actor. I've already descended into those depths with the British show Doctor Who. But it seems to me that the British Isles is the only place that produces things that can knock the logic I so carefully adhere clean out of the water. I've always felt that I am perhaps a genetic throwback to the British branches of my family tree. The liking tea thing at the age of eight when neither of my parents do should have tipped me off that I was not like the rest of my red-blooded American family. While, yes, I do enjoy typically American things, British things have always held a strong allure. I'm also an accent mimicker, if that is such a word. My own naturally adapts to whatever I'm hearing. The different accents of the British Isles? Picked up far more readily and rapidly. I've also made some changes to my career plans that my immediate family does not agree with. I'm going to fight to become an actor. I can do it. I know I can. I have a great imagination, I can lie, and I've got more than two facial expressions, even when I'm completely exhausted. I'm also not afraid of hard work. Hell, the past two years of my life with school have been nothing but spirit crushing work. And I. Didn't. Quit.
But that doesn't stop me dreaming a foolish dream. I'll fulfill part of it. The other part will doubtless go unfulfilled.
But, as is always the case when I turn to the written word to express that which lurks, I'm feeling rather conflicted. This time, and I dearly hope that no one ever sees this, it is on matters of the heart. Since celebrities were a thing, there have been passing fans, casual fans, fans, biggest fans and obssessed fans, now known collectively as fan girls. I fear I am straying into this last category with a British actor. I've already descended into those depths with the British show Doctor Who. But it seems to me that the British Isles is the only place that produces things that can knock the logic I so carefully adhere clean out of the water. I've always felt that I am perhaps a genetic throwback to the British branches of my family tree. The liking tea thing at the age of eight when neither of my parents do should have tipped me off that I was not like the rest of my red-blooded American family. While, yes, I do enjoy typically American things, British things have always held a strong allure. I'm also an accent mimicker, if that is such a word. My own naturally adapts to whatever I'm hearing. The different accents of the British Isles? Picked up far more readily and rapidly. I've also made some changes to my career plans that my immediate family does not agree with. I'm going to fight to become an actor. I can do it. I know I can. I have a great imagination, I can lie, and I've got more than two facial expressions, even when I'm completely exhausted. I'm also not afraid of hard work. Hell, the past two years of my life with school have been nothing but spirit crushing work. And I. Didn't. Quit.
But that doesn't stop me dreaming a foolish dream. I'll fulfill part of it. The other part will doubtless go unfulfilled.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Tied Together With A Smile
You are mine. You always have been. And I was meant to be yours. It's just taken me years to realize it. And now, when I have realized this, you're leaving. I probably will never see you again. And I can't stop you.
That is my own fault. I take full responsibility for my actions. I always have. And you and I are in this for the long haul, buddy. Trust me. Smile and nod.
That is my own fault. I take full responsibility for my actions. I always have. And you and I are in this for the long haul, buddy. Trust me. Smile and nod.
Friday, March 16, 2012
My Farewell
You have no idea what I go through, watching you destroy your life. You say it's my fault. That I let you down. Well, news for you, I've stuck with you. I've bloody defended you and you have the nerve to say that? When I'm trying to keep you from ruining what little bit of a life you have left?
That's real gratitude right there, ladies and gentlemen. And believe me. I intend on returning it.
Because, sure, I wasn't always the nicest. But I never shunned you from my life, like so many other people did! You gave me reason, time and time again, to abandon you, but I never did. I never did, because I believed in you! Well, congratulations. I'm cured. I'm really cured. If you're going to treat me the way you do, without understanding how hard it is to stay positive when you're doing the things you're doing, you don't deserve me in your life. Because I won't shy away from telling you what you're doing wrong. Because I know in my heart and in my head that what you are doing is wrong, so so wrong.
We stare from across a line, you and I, on seperate sides, each wanting the other to join the other on their side. I can't do that and maintain my self-worth and dignity. And you won't because you're scared and hurt and angry. Of what, I don't know. But what I do know is that you are so much stronger than this. I promise you.
That's real gratitude right there, ladies and gentlemen. And believe me. I intend on returning it.
Because, sure, I wasn't always the nicest. But I never shunned you from my life, like so many other people did! You gave me reason, time and time again, to abandon you, but I never did. I never did, because I believed in you! Well, congratulations. I'm cured. I'm really cured. If you're going to treat me the way you do, without understanding how hard it is to stay positive when you're doing the things you're doing, you don't deserve me in your life. Because I won't shy away from telling you what you're doing wrong. Because I know in my heart and in my head that what you are doing is wrong, so so wrong.
We stare from across a line, you and I, on seperate sides, each wanting the other to join the other on their side. I can't do that and maintain my self-worth and dignity. And you won't because you're scared and hurt and angry. Of what, I don't know. But what I do know is that you are so much stronger than this. I promise you.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Uncertainty
...I think I made a mistake...
Did I?
You'll never see this, so what do I care?
Everything.
Nothing.
I don't know.
Right now, I don't know what my reasons were. I just know they weren't the right ones. Can you blame me though? Let me answer my own question.
Yes.
Something...just does not feel right about it...I can't put my finger on it...
Normally, I can pride myself on making good decisions, and if I make a mistake, to correct that mistake and move on. This time, I'd be hurting other people, besides myself if I do this, this that my heart tells me to do. Am I just rationalizing my fears? Perhaps. Yet, when I sit here and think about the decision I made, my heart tells me it was wrong. I rely on my instincts. I always have.
Sitting here, thinking back over the happenings of today, I realize that I made the wrong decision. And now I have to fix it. Just...not now. I will wait to make sure.
Did I?
You'll never see this, so what do I care?
Everything.
Nothing.
I don't know.
Right now, I don't know what my reasons were. I just know they weren't the right ones. Can you blame me though? Let me answer my own question.
Yes.
Something...just does not feel right about it...I can't put my finger on it...
Normally, I can pride myself on making good decisions, and if I make a mistake, to correct that mistake and move on. This time, I'd be hurting other people, besides myself if I do this, this that my heart tells me to do. Am I just rationalizing my fears? Perhaps. Yet, when I sit here and think about the decision I made, my heart tells me it was wrong. I rely on my instincts. I always have.
Sitting here, thinking back over the happenings of today, I realize that I made the wrong decision. And now I have to fix it. Just...not now. I will wait to make sure.
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