Standing Outside The Fire

I don't want to get married yet. And I feel almost guilty for that. As a Mormon, and especially as a female one, there's this sense of responsibility to get married and have a family. And I used to want that because I couldn't see anything bigger. And even though I could have no greater responsibility than to have a family, I want to live some sort of life before that happens. I haven't done anything and I want to do something before I'm tied down to a husband, especially since I'm planning on hightailing it to London after graduation from college. That would just make things too complicated and I don't want to stay here. I don't want to deal with that. I'm just... I'm being emotionally driven to London and I'm not sure why. But I know that I will be put where I need to be and I will be given opportunities to exceed my expectations and those of my family. I've been so practical my entire life. I've taken no risks and that's why I feel so boring. No risk, no gain. So what have I gained in my eighteen years of life? Nothing but this vague sense of disappointment. Well, you know what? I'm living in Vegas and there is nothing that Vegas likes better than high risk. Time to embrace that part of this city.
There's a song by Garth Brooks that I've always connected with. It's calling Standing Outside The Fire. That's what I've been doing. "Life is not tried, it's just merely survived if you're standing outside the fire." I've been surviving life and now it's time to do the scariest thing I can think of: open up and embrace it. Live it. Make mistakes. I won't be perfect. I can't be. But I can't live life on the safe side. It turns me into someone that I don't like. I shut down emotionally and I can't be human doing that.
I'm human. I am human. With all of my humany wumany emotions and mistakes. "I can't abide standing outside the fire."

Triumphant

Intelligence is my armor. Independence is my shield. Determination is my sword. What war shall not be won with that which I hold dear? And yet it is these elements of my very soul that are breaking me from my family's wishes. I am she who wishes to be free from the constraints that have imprisoned my spirit. And yet they are what keep me whole and together. This give and take must surely be the balance of my life, for as I spread my wings, I cannot forget where I came from, nor the shackles that I seek to escape. For they have made me strong and without them, I am nothing, not even the smallest speck of dust floating in a sunbeam. Yet I shall be a hurricane and all shall take note of me and honor me and in honoring me, they shall honor he who has blessed me beyond my comprehension. Though the winds of trial move against me, I will not fail for Determination shall cut through them all. And I shall be triumphant.

The Heart

Singing
Flying
Breaking
Dying
How the heart swings
In agony
Break in two and still it beats
Labored
Fading
Reason?
Strength and dreaming
Revived
But remembering
Eternal

Temporary Home

What is a home? A home is a place of residence, but it's not. A home is where you are living and growing, not just where you are staying or existing. It's where your heart is. Sometimes we must say goodbye to our home and find another one. But the former one will always be within our hearts, a part of us and a part of our history. Our hearts belong there. But our hearts can belong to more than one place. Mine will always belong to Idaho. It's where I was born and where I learned my lessons of life and death and joy and loss. But I hope to add homes to my heart, that I can learn the joy of living somewhere else, something I have never experienced. Nevada made me bitter. School was the only home I had here and the prospect of leaving, while sad to leave behind those enfolded in my hearts, I look forward with joy to learn the excitement of moving.

Me

I have discovered the purpose of a blog. I may not have all that many posts. But they give me the inspiration for myself that I so desperately need right now. Because what am I but a sum of my memories? Of the feelings that I once felt that I will probably feel again? Nothing is irrelevant and everything matters. I am the wild angel, the uncaged bird, the powerful tiger, and the loyal dog. I am me and I always will be. Time may change what I think but my feelings are mine and they always will be. For what else can I be but me?
Staring college in the face, I realize that this is my opportunity to spread those wings that have been crippled by decisions others have made for me. My decisions now will affect the rest of my  life.
One of my earlier posts spoke about fighting the tide that was sweeping me along my life. I'm ready for the tide now. From here on out, my life will be a whirlwind of triumph and failures. Do I want to fail? No, of course not. No sane person does. I want to be the best and prove I am the best. I have the pride that will push me to go far and tth faith to know that I can be me and a me that people will love.
I was never meant to sit back. I was born to lead and lead I shall.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

I seem to have been on a hiatus, much like Sherlock. Oh, well. This isn't for anyone but me. Rather cathartic.
But, as is always the case when I turn to the written word to express that which lurks, I'm feeling rather conflicted. This time, and I dearly hope that no one ever sees this, it is on matters of the heart. Since celebrities were a thing, there have been passing fans, casual fans, fans, biggest fans and obssessed fans, now known collectively as fan girls. I fear I am straying into this last category with a British actor. I've already descended into those depths with the British show Doctor Who. But it seems to me that the British Isles is the only place that produces things that can knock the logic I so carefully adhere clean out of the water. I've always felt that I am perhaps a genetic throwback to the British branches of my family tree. The liking tea thing at the age of eight when neither of my parents do should have tipped me off that I was not like the rest of my red-blooded American family. While, yes, I do enjoy typically American things, British things have always held a strong allure. I'm also an accent mimicker, if that is such a word. My own naturally adapts to whatever I'm hearing. The different accents of the British Isles? Picked up far more readily and rapidly. I've also made some changes to my career plans that my immediate family does not agree with. I'm going to fight to become an actor. I can do it. I know I can. I have a great imagination, I can lie, and I've got more than two facial expressions, even when I'm completely exhausted. I'm also not afraid of hard work. Hell, the past two years of my life with school have been nothing but spirit crushing work. And I. Didn't. Quit.
But that doesn't stop me dreaming a foolish dream. I'll fulfill part of it. The other part will doubtless go unfulfilled.

Tied Together With A Smile

You are mine. You always have been. And I was meant to be yours. It's just taken me years to realize it. And now, when I have realized this, you're leaving. I probably will never see you again. And I can't stop you.
That is my own fault. I take full responsibility for my actions. I always have. And you and I are in this for the long haul, buddy. Trust me. Smile and nod.