What I Believe In

Belief is a big word, a sad word, and a bright word. To believe is to love and trust and hope and dream and all those words that provide the inspiration to the human psyche but are so terrifying and so potentially damning. Each and every person that has ever lived, is living, or will live has a belief in at least one thing that marks them to the core and makes them the individual that they are. It provides a common ground that can never be taken away and my beliefs, as strange and sometimes personal as they are, have given me the strength to act as I have and will in the future.

I believe in me. The statement that you are your worst critic is an accurate one. Living inside your own head can sometimes be the scariest thing because you think things you don’t want anyone else to ever know, and feel things of which you are ashamed and which you want to keep secret or hidden. You know all of it and you can’t escape from it. So if you’re your own worst critic, then equilibrium dictates that you must therefore be your biggest cheerleader.

That is not the precise reason why I believe in myself. I’ll be the first to admit that I have a strong support group but the actuality of the universe is that we are alone, locked inside our heads and our hearts. I believe in myself because if I don’t, who will? Why would anyone want to believe in someone who doesn’t even believe in themselves? But beyond that, I would want to believe in myself because I know my flaws. I know that I have a quick temper, that I’m stubborn, that I have a tendency to shut down emotionally, that I can get far too easily worked up, that I have an addictive personality, that I don’t forgive readily, that I’m abrasive and somewhat controlling and far too independent for my own good. I know that. But what I also see is the good. I know that I’m incredibly loyal, that I can hold it together in a crisis, that I love my family and would do anything for them, that I love animals, that I have more than my fair share of determination, that I’m both smart and clever,  and that I have an amazing imagination. If I didn’t believe in myself, there would be some problems with the universe. I wouldn’t be me without the flaws and so I embrace them because they feed my virtues.

And I feel like this acceptance in the world is a peculiar thing. This world tries to tell you how to act, how to think, and how to be to try to create one big organism. It also seems to be trying to teach us that we must be perfect and without flaws, uniformly so. I don’t agree with that. Conformity has its uses but not all of the time. Every single person who has gone down in history for creating something or for discovering something or changing something has done it against the grain of society. That’s why I believe in individuality. We are each an island on the planet. Each island is different. Environmental conditions may be similar but each island is in its own little section of space. It’s useless to try to conform and those who do try are delusional because they will never be able to perfectly match another person. Leo Tolstoy wrote, in Anna Karenina, that “If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content”. And that’s true. You will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you are, and with what you’ve already done. There will always be something you can improve on. The same thing goes for looking for perfection in other people. Perfection also means a lack of being human. Humanity is full of weird, little quirks and flaws that tend to spread across the species as a whole.

Being yourself as an individual is one step closer to that “perfection”. In Life, the Truth, and Being Free, Steve Maraboli takes the comparison that we are all unique, little snowflakes to a different level. Each snowflake, while they’re made of the same substances and are going to the same place, driven by a universal force, has its own unique shape that is best suited for its own individual journey. We cross paths with others, we bump into them sometimes, and that changes us. “But at all times we too are 100% perfectly imperfect.”

There’s another quote from a C. Joybell C. that I find to be perfectly accurate that sums up what I think about perfection. “For everything in this journey of life we are on, there is a right wing and a left wing: for the wing of love there is anger; for the wing of destiny there is fear; for the wing of pain there is healing; for the wing of hurt there is forgiveness; for the wing of pride there is humility; for the wing of giving there is taking; for the wing of tears there is joy; for the wing of rejection there is acceptance; for the wing of judgment there is grace; for the wing of honor there is shame; for the wing of letting go there is the wing of keeping. We can only fly with two wings and two wings can only stay in the air if there is a balance. Two beautiful wings is perfection. There is a generation of people who idealize perfection as the existence of only one of these wings every time. But I see that a bird with one wing is imperfect. An angel with one wing is imperfect. A butterfly with one wing is dead. So this generation of people strive to always cut off the other wing in the hopes of embodying their ideal of perfection, and in doing so, have created a crippled race.” It’s long, but I cannot paraphrase or summarize it without cutting out the point that perfection is imperfect and only with imperfection can we reach some semblance of perfect for ourselves, which gives us individuality in a world that is trying to forge us into the shape it thinks we should be, rather than the shape that is best suited for each of us.

Perhaps for the creative types, dreams hold more weight than they should. But without dreams, there would be no change. I believe in not just dreams in general but in having a dream. People tell me I need to keep my feet on the ground. But, they don't realize that I'm not meant to stay on the ground. I am meant to fly and born to fly. Chain me down, break my wings, I don't care. I will find a way to fly. I was born a wild angel, a fallen being, but with the possibility for exaltation as sure as the fire of my wings. No more will I be told what is possible for me and what's not. I refuse to be put in a cage, unless it is one of my own making. My decisions are my own and while I may get advice, I may not always act on it. There needs to be an element of recklessness to decisions, a leap of faith into your dreams. Sometimes, you sink, but when you fly, there is nothing that cannot be accomplished.

There is nothing more debilitating than fear. It cripples our wings and turns our fins to stone. We become paralyzed and begin to fall until we somehow find the strength to halt our plunge. And in that moment, between falling and flying, we realize more about ourselves than we ever could in either state. We realize that what we have within us can be accessed no matter what. It's just our job find it. Fear is the other side of dreams and it tempers the dreaming to keep it from becoming a delusion. There must always be balance but dreaming gives us something to strive for and something to use to escape the world when it seems to become too much. I believe in dreams and in having them because that’s a human trait. Because we create in our dreams a world of our own making and acting on those dreams changes the world for us and sometimes for other people as well. And we should embrace our humanity.

Standing as I am at the precipice of the beginning of the rest of my life, I find myself caught between this leap of faith and doing what I should. The problem is that what I should do isn’t what I want anymore and it’s in direct conflict with my dreams. This is the place that catches so many teenagers leaving high school. They set off in the beginning to do what they want, what they dream of doing, but fear catches them and drags them back down to earth, and they find themselves leading unfulfilling lives full of regret for those lost dreams. I’ve never wanted that for myself. I’ve always been more of a dreamer than I sometimes would have liked. But I don’t want to do something that I don’t love. That’s part of why I’ve handled IB so well. I love learning and I always have. Sure, my own dreams are a little crazy and more than a little impractical and there are a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t follow them, but if I don’t, then I will always be left with the question “What if?” That regret is the precise reason why I will always support another’s dream, including my own. Life shouldn’t be lived in regret and dreams shouldn’t be sacrificed because with dreaming, the most amazing things mankind can produce are born.

Then we come to change. Change is a little tricky. The consequences are what make it so devilish and angelic at the same time. As with nearly everything else, change is both good and bad but it’s the direct results that come from this change that tells us whether or not this change is good. As far as I’m concerned, change is good as long as it preserves strong individuality and promotes dreaming, and that’s pretty much all I care about. But I believe in change for the same reasons that I believe in individualism and dreams. It’s human and humanity, even the dredges of it, should be embraced. Change, right or wrong, is part of the human experience and it can give us the room to explore our individuality or our dreams. So I believe in the necessity of change despite the tendency towards comfort zones.

In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky writes, “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.” The current that is time and life sweeps on with or without our consent. Swimming with the current doesn’t mean that this is good just as simply floating and watching the change happen is bad. There is uncertainty in change, certainly, but uncertainty breaks bonds around our minds and hearts and allows for expansion. “Uncertainty is where things happen. It is where the opportunities — for success, for happiness, for really living — are waiting.” This quote from Martha Nussbaum shows why I believe in change, for better or for worse and in sickness or in health. We need this uncertainty if we are to have dreams and be individualistic and thus have change.

I believe in standing for rights and defending them. That does not mean to attack another’s belief, which is unfortunately what it has come to mean recently. In this case, and in a rare shift from my usual opinion about it, a good offense is not a good defense. There is no need to attack someone else to protect your beliefs or rights. But it’s not just your own that you should defend. If someone can’t defend themselves, then it is the duty of others to defend them.

Beliefs are not the end all, be all. They are not a crutch or means to force opinions on anyone else. They are meant to be cradled and nurtured and cared for and they’re personal. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be shared quietly and carefully. My beliefs are mine and I fully expect others to find fault with them. But they’re mine and I won’t change them because of public opinion.

How I'm Feeling today in a large group of songs

All the small things
True care, truth brings
I just want to scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Wanna make some noise,
Really raise my voice
I'm ready to go my way
Tomorrow is not today

Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
There's no going back to the start again
Time'll tell us how this story ends
I didn't know until my soul broke free
That I've got these angels watching over me
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

Hold your head up high
And reach the sky
Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve
Sometimes you reach what's realest by making believe
Everyone can tell you how it's all been said and done
That harder times will change your mind and make you wanna run

Never underestimate a girl
Gets anything she wants
She's never gonna stop

Poem 1

This was a poem that I wrote a few years ago. Not really applicable right now but it was. And I need it up here so that I don't lose it and so it can sit as a reminder of what I can be and what I don't want to be again.

Words that flow can never express
The indecision and pain that ripples through my being
I see myself standing at the edge of a cliff
Overlooking stormy waters
To jump or walk?
The question has never had no clear answer
But now I fear I've died inside.
That the face I show, isn't me.
Someone I will never be is creeping up
Steadily and surely.
My half-hearted attempts to stay her
No longer are enough for the battle of me.
Yet the apathy I feel prevents me from
Winning the outright war.
I can't live this life any longer
But I can't change.
What do I do?
What once offered reassurances, now
Seems like a far off dream.
Is this what you felt, my fallen-friend,
Before you let the darkness descend?
Before you welcomed it?
I think I finally understand

We Are One

We are one. We are one species. We are one planet. We are one family.
So I DON'T understand why we can't all just get along! There are no differences so great that prevent us from being at least civil, even if we aren't exactly friends. You can disapprove of the actions and still love the person.
I read or heard somewhere something that struck me. We can only truly hate someone that we know well enough to love, but if we know them that well, then we cannot hate them. Each person's life is their own and while we may know some of the facts, we can NEVER know everything about another person. Things can be forgotten or simply left unsaid and emotions cannot truly be expressed. There are underlying reasons for everything, every word spoken and every action taken.
Forgiveness is better than revenge and love better than hatred. And that can be turned inward as well. Those that hate themselves don't really know themselves. Look in the mirror. When was the last time you looked into those eyes and read the thoughts reflected? When was the last time you saw yourself as the hero of your story? When was the last time that you treated yourself like your favorite character and loved yourself for your faults, your quirks? The way your smile doesn't quite reach your eyes because you've lost things or been mistreated or feel like an island until something happens to strip that sadness away. Then your eyes brighten and people answer your smile with one of their own because it's so good to see you really smile again, like you used to.
Why do you hate yourself when there's so much to love? "All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe." Even genetically, you are unique. For those who are a variation of identical twins and are technically genetically identical, that's just at first. From the moment that egg splits, there are two life paths that will be taken. But ti's not just that. Genetic expression creates those tiny little variations between two people that are oh, so important. They are two distinct people, still completely unique.
Love who you are and your potential too. Please. It's not fair to you to see only the worst in you. But part of loving yourself is recognizing that you need to have people who support you around you. Find something you love and do that. If you love it, don't let anyone tell you differently or tell you that you need to change to fit what THEY want you to be. Be who you are. No apologies. If you like baking and sports, then like baking and sports. If you like to learn, like to learn. Own it and don't let anyone change your mind. Change at your pace in your way on your time because you want to, not because someone else wants you to.
The first step to loving others is to recognize the good in them and those good traits are typically echoed in ourselves. Understand the bad traits, but don't let them become all that that person is.

Sacrifice

Love is sacrifice.

Sacrifice, pay the price, blood like ice, sacrifice

Those too afraid to live demand a sacrifice

Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it.

Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness.

You have to fight to reach your dream. You have to sacrifice and work hard for it.

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift.

Dreams do come true, if we only wish hard enough, You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.

Love is not a feeling of happiness. Love is a willingness to sacrifice.

The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.

You aren't going to find anybody that's going to be successful without making a sacrifice and without perseverance.

I have found that being honest is the best technique I can use. Right up front, tell people what you're trying to accomplish and what you're willing to sacrifice to accomplish it.

I think that the good and the great are only separated by the willingness to sacrifice.

You can't achieve anything in life without a small amount of sacrifice.

He who would accomplish little must sacrifice little; he who would achieve much must sacrifice much; he who would attain highly must sacrifice greatly.

Living is strife and torment, disappointment and love and sacrifice, golden sunsets and black storms. I said that some time ago, and today I do not think I would add one word.

The only question to ask yourself is, how much are you willing to sacrifice to achieve this success?

A college degree is the key to realizing the American dream, well worth the financial sacrifice because it is supposed to open the door to a world of opportunity.

You must find something that you deeply love and are passionate about and are willing to sacrifice a lot to achieve.

Follow your passion, be prepared to work hard and sacrifice, and, above all, don't let anyone limit your dreams.

A noble purpose inspires sacrifice, stimulates innovation and encourages perseverance.

Reason, I sacrifice you to the evening breeze.

We all naturally want to become successful... we also want to take shortcuts. And it's easy to do so, but you can never take away the effort of hard work and discipline and sacrifice.

It is not sacrifice if you love what you're doing.

The World Is In Our Hands

Success cannot be measured as it is one of the most subjective things mankind has created. What one person might find to be a sign of success could be utterly insignificant to another. Why then do we feel this urge to try to measure it in things that mean nothing? Things of the world mean nothing if there isn't love and friendship and true joy. Those who have nothing by the world's standards can still be some of the happiest in the world. But just having nothing is not worth anything if there aren't the people that count. It doesn't matter if one is rich or poor, all that matters is having the people there that should be. Friends, family, loves, they all have something for us. Even those who don't support us can give us a motivation to prove them wrong. But success isn't definite. It isn't the end all, be all.

The World Is Ours Tonight

Strength is not the absence of weakness, just as courage is not the absence of fear. Weakness must be there for strength to be present. Everything exists to contrast another thing, allowing balance and harmony. Balance is not all good. There must be another force on an object to counter the first. It's a law of physics. So why then do people not admit their weaknesses? Or see their strength and try to undercut it? Both can exist and both must exist, strength and weakness. Sometimes a characteristic can be both. 

Pride is one of those. It can destroy a person utterly and completely with its presence. Yet without pride, one has low belief in the self and that can be just as harmful. In order to keep ourselves from being shoved this way and that, we must find a balance between the two, between disbelief and arrogance. 

You are you with all your flaws and strengths. Don't throw that precious gift away. There is nothing more wasteful than a life lived in fear of being true to yourself. You are beautiful and handsome and amazing. And even if you think that you don't bring any good to the world, you are the world to someone and you are the reason that someone else has the strength to get up in the morning.

You are you and no one can ever take the niche you have in the world. Holes can be filled but they will never be packed as tightly as they once were.

This One's For The Girls

So many sci-fi or fantasy anything, if they feature women, they show such amazing, strong women. Cases in point: Eowyn from Lord of the Rings, Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Padme from Star Wars (there's a reason that I am choosing her instead of her daughter who is equally amazing if not more so).

Eowyn watches her uncle fall under the control of Grima, who has this creepy fascination with her. It's understandable because she's beautiful and proud, but as she's described, she's like ice and sunlight on a winter morning. She watches her brother be sent away and her cousin die. She is a daughter of Rohan and is everything that that entails. She does her duty until it becomes impossible for her to do so. So instead of pining away for lost love, she takes action. Eowyn disguises herself as a man and takes Merry with her to war. After Theoden falls, she challenges the Lord of the Nazgul when he says "no living man may hinder [him]" with words that are completely who she is. She says "But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Eowyn I am, Eomund's daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you if you touch him."

She is described, facing the fell beast, as a maiden of the Rohirrim, child of kings, slender but as a steel-blade, fair but terrible. And she chooses, later in the House of Healing, TO heal from the emotional trauma of losing Aragorn to an elven princess and her foster-father and uncle to the enemy. She accepts Faramir, which is an incredible point that she chooses to move on and to have a future with him despite the losses she has suffered. She suffers perhaps the most other than maybe Faramir and Frodo but she moves past that.

Speaking of losses, Buffy has to be talked about next. She sacrifices her life on so many occasions for the world, for her friends, for love. She has impossible loves and loses them. But she grows from the immature teenager who just wants to be normal to the Slayer, someone who leads an army Potentials knowing that they may die but they all choose to go anyway. She is a leader and a sister. A friend and a lover. She does the impossible and still manages to have a quirky remark or quick comeback even in the face of all the darkness that she sees. In the first season, knowing she is going to die, she still goes because that is what she has to do. She is an amazing role model because she does what she has to do even if it comes at the cost of her life....Several times.

Padme watches the loss of her husband. A physical death would have been easier than the one she watched. "Anakin, you're breaking my heart! You're going down a path I cannot follow!" He would have been such a force for good and she has to deal with the consequences of her husband's decisions. She has strength as a leader, strength as a wife, but she cannot follow her husband down the path he has chosen. Her strength, even as she dies of a broken heart after giving birth to their children, is undiminished. She fights to hang on long enough to name them, her precious babies, a reminder of who her husband was. And then she lets go because she will not watch Anakin's destruction any longer. Her daughter, Leia, has the strength of her mother and her father without the gentleness of Padme. This is why Padme is stronger. She is both strong and gentle and loses much. I admire her greatly. 

In Memory

It's been a few months since my grandpa died. And for some reason, today I just really miss him. Generally, I would consider myself to be a well-adjusted if repressing individual which is why this particular emotion puzzles me. I had issues watching Third Star because of the flashbacks but I bounced right back like I would expect me to. Yes, it's sad that he died but it was from cancer and the man laying in that hospital bed wasn't my grandpa. His last words were SO Lynn Yorgesen that it makes everyone laugh now and it did even then. My grandpa was one of those men full of piss and vinegar with the biggest, warmest, boomiest laugh you've ever heard, a laugh that I'm pleased to have inherited even if it's higher pitched. I'm also pleased to have inherited his voice. It's one of those that even when it's quiet, it's loud and recognizable. He is one of the best people that I've had the honor to have known. He made friends everywhere, no matter where we went, because he always found something in common with them. He loved God and country and his family more than anything else. He was industrious, ridiculously hard-working, and could bend a penny until it broke. He was also the patriarch and now that he's gone, our family is left without one. He had no sons but he loved his daughters. He had a horrible temper (got demoted in the military twice because of it when he served) but he mellowed out when he became a grandpa and even more so when my grandma developed mild dementia. My grandpa was incredible and amazing and I'm not sure what it will be like staying up in Idaho with my family over the summer without him because he's always been there. I love him and I always will and I can only hope that he will be proud of what I've accomplished so far and what I have yet to accomplish.

Love you, Grandpa. You were my first father figure and will always have a special place in my heart. I'm even planning on carrying on the family tradition and give one of my daughters your name. Your last name won't get carried but your familiar name will. I promise that.

This Means War

So...I just looked at the audience thing that tells me where people are that they're looking at this blog thing. Ummm. First of all, I'm completely astonished that people actually look at it. Second of all, people outside of the US, which is where I am currently, are looking at it.
I haven't touched the thing in two years and I have people who have looked at it. I feel like I should make some big thank you to people who have looked at it or read it or printed it off so they could burn the pages because they hate it.
But I honestly don't know what I would say. Gosh, I'm going to be rubbish at making acceptance speeches when I'm famous. Anyway, I guess I'll say thanks for whoever sees this and get on with what I was actually going to say.

Standing Outside The Fire

I don't want to get married yet. And I feel almost guilty for that. As a Mormon, and especially as a female one, there's this sense of responsibility to get married and have a family. And I used to want that because I couldn't see anything bigger. And even though I could have no greater responsibility than to have a family, I want to live some sort of life before that happens. I haven't done anything and I want to do something before I'm tied down to a husband, especially since I'm planning on hightailing it to London after graduation from college. That would just make things too complicated and I don't want to stay here. I don't want to deal with that. I'm just... I'm being emotionally driven to London and I'm not sure why. But I know that I will be put where I need to be and I will be given opportunities to exceed my expectations and those of my family. I've been so practical my entire life. I've taken no risks and that's why I feel so boring. No risk, no gain. So what have I gained in my eighteen years of life? Nothing but this vague sense of disappointment. Well, you know what? I'm living in Vegas and there is nothing that Vegas likes better than high risk. Time to embrace that part of this city.
There's a song by Garth Brooks that I've always connected with. It's calling Standing Outside The Fire. That's what I've been doing. "Life is not tried, it's just merely survived if you're standing outside the fire." I've been surviving life and now it's time to do the scariest thing I can think of: open up and embrace it. Live it. Make mistakes. I won't be perfect. I can't be. But I can't live life on the safe side. It turns me into someone that I don't like. I shut down emotionally and I can't be human doing that.
I'm human. I am human. With all of my humany wumany emotions and mistakes. "I can't abide standing outside the fire."

Triumphant

Intelligence is my armor. Independence is my shield. Determination is my sword. What war shall not be won with that which I hold dear? And yet it is these elements of my very soul that are breaking me from my family's wishes. I am she who wishes to be free from the constraints that have imprisoned my spirit. And yet they are what keep me whole and together. This give and take must surely be the balance of my life, for as I spread my wings, I cannot forget where I came from, nor the shackles that I seek to escape. For they have made me strong and without them, I am nothing, not even the smallest speck of dust floating in a sunbeam. Yet I shall be a hurricane and all shall take note of me and honor me and in honoring me, they shall honor he who has blessed me beyond my comprehension. Though the winds of trial move against me, I will not fail for Determination shall cut through them all. And I shall be triumphant.

The Heart

Singing
Flying
Breaking
Dying
How the heart swings
In agony
Break in two and still it beats
Labored
Fading
Reason?
Strength and dreaming
Revived
But remembering
Eternal

Temporary Home

What is a home? A home is a place of residence, but it's not. A home is where you are living and growing, not just where you are staying or existing. It's where your heart is. Sometimes we must say goodbye to our home and find another one. But the former one will always be within our hearts, a part of us and a part of our history. Our hearts belong there. But our hearts can belong to more than one place. Mine will always belong to Idaho. It's where I was born and where I learned my lessons of life and death and joy and loss. But I hope to add homes to my heart, that I can learn the joy of living somewhere else, something I have never experienced. Nevada made me bitter. School was the only home I had here and the prospect of leaving, while sad to leave behind those enfolded in my hearts, I look forward with joy to learn the excitement of moving.