Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

Now matter how many times I watch it, when the Lord of the Rings music begins to play at the beginning of An Unexpected Journey, "it makes me want to cry".
Lord of the Rings is, to me, what Star Wars is to most people. My childhood can be summed up with Scooby Doo, Lord of the Rings, and Jurassic Park and reading more than should be humanly possibly along with the freedom to do as I pleased (which was basically watch those three and read and play with our animals). I fell in love with the world of Middle Earth, with the elves and the dwarves and the bad guys that got what they deserved. Fellowship of the Ring is one of my favorite movies and has been for nearly as long as Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie. Jurassic Park has been my favorite movie since I was four which should tell you how long I've been in love with these worlds and ideas. But that should also tell you how much I love Lord of the Rings. Those movies aren't short. They're frankly ridiculously long and I loved them enough to focus all the way through the extended edition of Fellowship of the Ring and even Two Towers. I've been watching them nearly as long as I can remember, and remember I was like six when Fellowship came out and I don't even remember watching it the first time. But it captivated me and I squirreled it away into my room until I had the first disk of the extended edition nearly memorized. (It remains my favorite disk of the now six (or ten if we count the first two Hobbit movies) in the extended editions. When other kids my age were watching cartoons and stuff, not that I didn't watch my fair share of Tom and Jerry and other various cartoons, I was off on the quest with Frodo or running from t-rexes with Dr. Grant or sailing with Captain Jack or running from the Mummy with Rick O'Connell. Those were my worlds and they inspired a love of the fantastic and epic, but also of finding joy in what moments one can.
Don't get me wrong, I like Star Wars. But there is something beautiful about the world of Middle Earth that I fell in love with long before I read the books. Sword fights and magic and epic quests to save the world from the evil ruler. How could I resist?
But to bring me back to my original point, about the music, I have such strong emotional attachments to the music that Howard Shore composed that hearing even a bar of it brings me back. The music is part of that world as much as the fighting and the journeying and the Ring are. And that world is part of my childhood and something that I love fiercely to this day.
I love the Hobbit movies despite their shortcomings because they brought me back home. And I am so incredibly grateful for being old enough to be grateful for the opportunity to watch  I've had to watch something new that helped shape my childhood. I know I'll feel the same way when Jurassic World comes out (cried when I saw the trailer and every time since that I've seen it I've either cried or seriously teared up). I'm cautious right now but I will love it because it too comes from a world that helped to shape my childhood and my career choices (see that one post on one of my two blogs about why Jurassic Park means so much to me).
I'm so grateful for Peter Jackson for bringing us back to Middle Earth (even if he got a few things wrong or added certain details). He and the cast and crew will never know how grateful I am. I am grateful for being able to go home again.
I would love most dearly to be able to be part of a Jurassic Park movie or something about Middle Earth. Considering the Silmarillion is still a possibility and Jurassic Park is coming back, I may yet have my wish granted but I also understand the level of work I'm going to have to do if I want to succeed in that.
The reason for the sappiness right now is I'm going to go see Battle of the Five Armies again tomorrow (technically today) and I felt like expressing emotions because I'm going to be swarmed with them tomorrow (technically today).
I don't know what my parents were thinking, letting me watch such violent, beautiful shows at such an impressionable age, but I'm grateful that they did. I'm also grateful because I got to share Lord of the Rings with my best friend and even more grateful that she also loves them too. Some people started watching horror movies at a young age. I like horror. But action, adventure, and science fiction and fantasy will always be more beautiful for me.
Maybe I should do a post on my favorite movies growing up.
Anyway, here's some Lord of the Rings or Hobbit stuff. Mostly Youtube videos. And as soon as I find the video I want and can't find, I will be adding that one.

BotFA trailer that came out the day after my birthday
BotFA trailer that came out exactly a week after my birthday
BotFA that makes me want to cry
Lord of the Rings in 99 Seconds (Yes, I know all the words...)
AUJ Announcement Trailer
RotK trailer
TT trailer
Lord of the Rings and Frozen. Literally not sure what to make of it.
An Unexpected Parody

Jump.

It's the urge to jump. Being content, in my books, is the same as being stagnant. There is no change, no variation. It's just being. No life should be lived in that way. Life should be lived passionately and in such a way that you can say, "Yes, I jumped." What you're jumping into and off of, that's what separates each of us. Intentions is necessary. Feel the urge, let it guide you. Let it join with logic and reason. But when reason is at odds with this desire, choose instinct. You may make more mistakes that way, but at least life is being lived. Besides, first instincts are usually the best ones.

Man, I know what I was feeling. But what was I thinking?

It's been pretty hectic the past little bit. But right now I'm kind of going through an emotional crisis. It doesn't happen very often because I pride myself on pretty much being impervious and riding the storm. But I'm getting slammed by family problems and I'm stressed about the future and the one thing I had to hope for that would let me destress a little isn't happening. I'm incredibly hyperaware of money and bills and costs and all of that and it doesn't help that we're doing a poverty thing in sociology, which is stressing me out even more, especially when I am painfully aware of what I am and what I'm not. I'm not super people-friendly, especially when I'm tired or hungry. I don't have much job experience and the little tiny bit I do have won't help me find a job. I would stay in school to get the abilities needed for my career but college is so freaking expensive. So literally, I have nothing going for me.
Plus, I miss my cat. It sounds silly, but this is honestly the first time I've lived without an animal in my entire lifetime. I've always had at least a cat or a dog, and usually multiple animals.

Most people hit this stage back in October. Me, I'm too optimistic for that. But unfortunately, I'm also the type to cut my losses and run so I'm straining against my base nature at this point. I'm sure I'll work through it. But seriously. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to go into this career? I'm so far behind and no one gets it. I don't think they understand how serious I am about it and how much it scares me. This is literally the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken in my life and I run on faith like nobody else but this scares me. There. I've admitted it. In fact, I just admitted it in public.
I'm. Scared. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the word I'm actually looking for is terrified. Because all of these other people have been doing theatre or theatrey things for years. They've been acting for years. Who the hell do I think I am to think that I can just waltz up there behind in experience and training and just expect that I'll be able to do as well as them.
But in order to catch up, I'll have to double time and there's still no assurance that I'll do well. I could be absolute rubbish. But I deep in my heart of hearts don't believe that. I just need the chance to prove to myself and to everybody else that I can do this.

So, because I'm struggling right now, I'm going to ask all of you to do something for me. Find a friend who isn't having the easiest time and give them a hug. Tell them that it'll be okay. Tell them that they can hang in there and it isn't the end. And if you're the one who needs to hear this, then give someone a hug and just take comfort in them.

Quote from tonight's episode: "Guns and liquor. What could go wrong?"

I was going to put a video up. But apparently, I need to learn how to work this...
To sum it up:
I hate today. Today is the 6 year anniversary of my dog's death.
I had a callback today.
Z Nation is on in... now.
I'm getting fall for the first time in nine years.
I turn 19 in less than two weeks.
And I want people to talk to me.

I'm on Twitter (@brookeaharding), Facebook (Brooke Harding), Instagram (sort of), and Tumblr (just-a-little-fangirl-love)

Send me something, anything, tell me about your day, about your dreams. Why you read this. Anything. Something. Ooh, and tell me what country you're from too.

Some clever something but I'm not sure what fits this...

As soon as I get the video up on my computer, I'll be putting up a video for today, not an actual post.
Also, I will get my post for Z Nation up eventually. It will only cover the first five episodes because [spoilers spoilers spoilers].

But, here! Have a picture from Z Nation!!!

Addy and Mack

Glorious.

I've been really hesitant to put another post up because this is my fiftieth one. That's kind of a big number to me. I dunno.
But I wish I could just transfer my emotions right now to all of you because there is no way that I'll be able to explain them well.
I'm excited. And terrified. And thrilled. And worried. And anticipating. And ready. So, so ready.

You can read about it in more detail on my other blog, Journey to Who: An American Actress. But I've landed my first acting role. Which I suppose is a momentous enough occasion to have it feature on my fiftieth post on here, the blog that started it all. I named my Tumblr after this blog, after all. This blog is the sum of my dreams and thoughts even when I can't admit them to other people and represents my secrets. The desire to soar freely, unfettered by the chains of the world. The exhilaration of doing something other people could only dream of. Freedom and joy, the two things I want most in this world. The night is my world and it is at night when others are filled with fear of the unknown that I most want my dreams, indeed when my dreaming is the most intense. Fear has no place in my life. Uncertainty is there only because I struggle with confidence (which is admittedly a bizarre thing for someone as proud as I am). The bird isn't afraid of the branch breaking beneath its weight; it trusts in its own ability to fly. And I do trust in my abilities in the moment.

I am Brooke Amber Harding. I am the sum of my ancestors and my own actions. I am the past, present, and future at once because of where I came from, what I am, and the infinite possibilities of where my line will go. I know where I'm from. I know some of what my ancestors had to do so that I would end up being where I am now. I'm a contradiction and I wouldn't change a single thing about me. It's taken me nearly five years to be comfortable in my skin. I've finally accepted the fact that I have a fairly large bosom and that's taken me...nearly eight years for that. I can be female and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I've finally let myself dream rather than just resignation over my role that I was supposed to play being female and LDS. It's okay for me to be my own person. It's okay for me to love even though I know that I'm the kind that will mate for life and that terrifies me. I know that I can find someone who will love me with all the imperfections that I love too because they keep me human. I'm not perfect and I've finally accepted that I don't have to be. We've always been taught in the LDS church to strive for perfection knowing that we cannot make it. And I tried to be perfect which resulted in me being less than acceptably imperfect. As long as I try to be the best I can be, that's all anyone can ask and what I think was what I was actually supposed to learn. I've learned to love myself, all of me. I won't ask for any more from my mate but I will ask for freedom to be true to my heart, which does not lie in being fettered. I will willingly submit as long as there is nothing forcing me to do so. It will be my choice. My story has been one of freedom suddenly restricted and at the faintest hint of freedom again, everything in me strains for it. Fiercely proud and independent, I want to see the depths of humanity, the good and the bad. There are no lukewarm feelings with me. They are either there with all the power of a hurricane or completely absent. This is me. I am an introverted dreamer and an extroverted doer and I exist as both.

But I'm not alone on my journey and I wouldn't want to be. I want to share my journey and my feelings with the people I care about. And people care about me. I've been blessed. And I hope that I've blessed others' lives.
But I won't apologize for being who I am, not when I'm finally comfortable with her.
It's been three years since this blog was started. And I've never been more amazed with how my life has gone. From a sophomore in high school to a freshman in college and hopefully beyond, you guys have been with me and hopefully you'll be with me in the future because even though I don't know who many of you are, I count you as my friends. Not my best friends because that place is incredibly difficult to reach. But you're my friends regardless and that means I care about you. Seriously, I'm totally cool with just chatting if you want to. Leave me a comment or something and tell me about your day. Because I honestly really do want to hear about it.

Ooh, ummm, here's a car. It's pretty. And you can look up that stats if you want.

But the really funny thing about this car, (Ferrari 458) is there's a recall for it right now because people are getting locked in the trunk and the only time the mechanism releases is when the car's in motion. Please keep in mind that the trunk is in the front of the car and do you see how much ground clearance that car has? I don't even want to know how people found that out nor do I want to know who got in trouble at Ferrari for this. Heehee.

I turn 19 in just over a month. That is terrifying. And I don't think I'll ever get over this adding years thing. And I'm either getting married in the next two years or I won't be getting married until I'm like thirty because that's how it works in my family. 

I feel like I come across as bossy and insensitive when in reality it hurts me when other people are in pain and I have to do whatever I can to make them feel better.

I'm very action-oriented. Actions definitely speak louder than words to me. Which, in retrospect, is why I never believe guys when they tell me they love me. Because their actions haven't told me so and so therefore their words must be lies. Ir's either a problem or it isn't. Not sure which right now.

Anyway, I am going to go do...I don't know. So have a fabulous day.

Ooh, I forgot to mention. Here's the link for Glorious by David Archuleta. Oh, my gosh. It's so beautiful. Watch it. Love it. It's so beautiful. And he's got dimples. It's not even fair.

Sociology, WHAT?

I really love my sociology class. It's absolutely fascinating, besides the fact that I don't think like most of the people in my class which could be the result of having a comparatively liberal upbringing and having lived in Las Vegas, AKA Sin City. But, whatever. I knew I wouldn't completely fit in here.

But the really fascinating thing is that technically, my life has been set up in such a way (and I'm sure it's not because my parents did it on purpose) that I have the highest chance possible to succeed at whatever I do. Both my parents are college educated, which gives me a plus. My parents are married, even though my mom was unmarried when she gave birth but she had a college degree and she was working, another plus with a small minus. I was raised as an only child even though I have siblings, plus. My family is middle-class, plus. And these aren't even counting the effect that where I was living has made a difference in my upbringing. So, really, from a sociologist's viewpoint, it would be fascinating to see how I end up and how my life plays out. I only wish I could study me but since I'm actually invested in this, there would be a significant bias and in any study, one should limit the bias exposure.
But really, It would be interesting to see. And who knows. Maybe someone is studying me right now without my knowledge.

Passion and Love

There are people in the world who want the type of love that is like an old friend, comfortable and familiar, warm and soft. It's perfectly understandable and I see many of my friends finding a love like that. And it makes me a little envious, I'm not ashamed to admit that. And in so many books, that's what the love is and it makes me smile because it's cute and sweet and what these people and characters deserve and I don't begrudge them that because that's what they want and need, even if I don't understand.
Because I never truly identified with those stories. I identify with the passionate loves, the once in a lifetime loves. The loves where loss of one is beyond devastating for the partner who has been left behind. Where instead of the warm glow of love, it's the fire and heat of emotion without name which is to love what grief is to sadness. I want to be scorched by the flames of eternal passion, to have the scars from that heat seared into my bared soul, to have my entire being purified and tempered like steel out of a refiner's fire.
I understand that I may live my entire life without finding what I want and while that is one of the most depressing thoughts of my life, I need someone whose passion for life rivals my own because I don't want to burn my partner up in the heat of my emotions. When I feel an emotion, it is an all-consuming arrow straight to the center of my being. Grief, most frequently felt for fictional characters and animals, tears my heart apart and I don't recover. I cover it and bury it but the scars still live and are tender if pressed. It's the only thing that allows me to empathize the emotion when I should be feeling it and am not, though others are. I feel joy the same way, shining out of the depths of my soul like some ancient beacon of light.
We are all different and how we feel emotions differs too. But it is a lonely thought that I will watch friends fall in love and remain on the outside because I have not the ability to feel the tenderer side of love for people, despite the deeper valleys between in a relationship of passion. Passion is, indeed, the only word I can use to describe that emotion without name. It exists but...

"We loved with a love that was more than love." ~Edgar Allan Pow

That exemplifies what I want. And I'm willing to wait an eternity to find it.

My life has been explained...

You guys! Sorry, I'm about to go on a rant about sociology, my major and easily the most fascinating class I've ever taken in my entire lifetime. But I promise, it's worth it.
Okay, so basically, I just had the reason for so much about me explained. In an hour. No trickery, no jiggery pokery. Because STUDIES.

Anyway, so basically what we talked about today was socialization, which is basically the process by which we internalize the norms, beliefs, and rules of the society we live in. Boring, right? WRONG! Everything about our lives is dictated by socialization, this sort of brainwashing effect that happened to us and is still happening to us now. Right now. This very moment. For like 99% of the population it starts from birth (don't quote me on that statistic). There's this whole big learning about the self vs. other that I'm not going to get into even though it's pretty vital. But basically we learn the social rules and things for various situations and we learn to apply them more generally as we internalize more and more (ex: naivety of a small town vs "street ed" of a big city) so that eventually we can function in this world without the help of others. Social anxiety, as far as I can tell, stems from a lack of rules for given situations. And it's super comforting because that's normal. That is a normal, human trait. Some people experience it worse than others and others can't cope with it as well as others. But it is normal, even though we usually don't understand why we feel anxious. I always did. Not to make myself sound special or whatnot, but I've always had a high sensitivity for societal rules. So I understood why I had anxiety in various situations that were out of my control. But I always thought something was wrong with me because of it. Nope. In that aspect, there is nothing wrong with me. And that was good because while I embrace my individuality or weirdness, I also have this internal strain to follow those rules. Causes conflict, which is another thing we discussed.
But SES (socioeconomic status) plays a HUGE role in socialization. And here's where I got the understanding that explained. Okay, so we have socialization, right? Well, based on your SES, different expectations are placed on you. Middle class children (and up, technically) are basically groomed to inhabit roughly the same sphere of influence as their parents and the parents fill their childrens' free time with formal activities whereas working class parents give their children more "free" time. And here's where it gets interesting. For me, anyway. Because of the circles that I was in because of tennis, I've learned how to interact and mimic people who are in a higher class than I am. (Unless they're sprung on me by surprise (ex: Michael Welch at Comic Con this past weekend) then I have difficulty speaking and crap because I'm trying to exist in two classes at once and it's incredibly difficult for me to do that). There are telltale signs that I'm from a middle class family, but I also have upper class influences because of my father and tennis. My father was resocialized to have an upper class attitude and that's been passed down to me by socialization. Story time!!! So basically, I got the freedom of "free" time of working class (ex: my childhood up until I moved to Vegas, I was pretty much left alone and to my own devices except at school) at which point, my mother (as we were transitioning from working/middle to middle/upper) decided to put me in tennis as what my textbook would call a formal activity. Tennis governed my life because that's what my mother wanted me to do. She still wants me to do it professionally, but that isn't what's in my heart of hearts. Tennis had me involved with the rich kids so I learned to move with them and I can totally handle people who think they're better than everyone else now. It helped that IB also had that mentality, which I will confess I've always had that with my intelligence but everything else, I've been painfully aware of where my social standing in comparison to everyone else. But I also have, as my mother would call it, champagne tastes. Which means that technically the formula for upward mobility is in place for me, which is weird. I can see myself mingling with the elites of society but I can also see myself out in a pasture or out in a barn mucking out stalls. It's weird thinking of myself as a study subject. But it also explains why I want to do what I want to do. Like my entire life has been explained to me. I have these particular dreams because of the circumstances with which I was brought up and the interests that I was allowed to develop. It's incredible to be able to have something like that explained so simply. It's incredible.

FRIENDS!!!

Still haven't found anyone who is a best friend material, but I do have to, possibly three, that have that potential. Three of my classes are covered (one in Chem, one in Soc, and one in History). They're really cool and I think I can mold the Soc and History ones into being complete and total fangirls. One of them already is, technically, but doesn't watch much Doctor Who. The other has the right personality but I don't think she's watched any of the holy three so I'll have to introduce her. Which means I'll have to rewatch them. Such a shame. What? Just totally quoted a video game right there. I'm such a nerd, I know. The third one... I'm cautious BECAUSE I'm at BYU which has a ridiculously high marriage rate and I don't want to get married any time soon because...no. Plus, expect the guys to want to get married. And he's a guy, so...

But the really funny part of all of this is my theatre class is actually where I'm starting to get to know the most people. Which means that I'm getting this field of support that I desperately need right now. So thank you Savannah, Michaela, Morgan, and Tammy. Shout out to y'all. You're awesome! And it's okay for me there. Y'all didn't laugh or anything when I said that I had little to no experience in theatre. Thank you. You're helping me love the class that I am easily the most cautious about but the one I'd already decided to love.

Rule 9

I was flipping through my Facebook page and I came across this link. I read it and I realized, yet again, that I need to stop taking everything so seriously. I have a sense of humor, and it's difficult for me to be offended, but at the same time, there is no middle ground. I'm horribly conscious of the effects of decisions. That being said, I do need to just enjoy life. But I can't quite do that until I've got some stability. So, in the meantime, we're going to have brief surges of what I call irresponsibility and what normal people call enjoyment or fun. Foreign concept, I know. But I have been working on it. It's the problem with being me. I'm not really understood. And that is okay. As much as part of me wants to be understood, there's another part of me that thrives on existing outside of understanding. And I tend to follow that one more. The need to stand out, apart, in the world but not of it. You know? Oh well. Here's the link.

Rules for Students and Teachers

Which, technically, we should never stop learning and teaching. So that applies to everyone.

The Potentials of Us All

The worth of a person lies not in their achievements, but in their potentials. We forget, sometimes, as human beings that very basic fundamental. The question we must all ask ourselves, when criticizing another, is not what can't they do but rather what can they do. The shy dreamers, typically the idealists, dream of a world that is happier, kinder, and more suitable for having dreams. Yet they lack the confidence to make the world their world. The proud extroverts, those who gleam in the spotlight with confidence and frequently do not understand their more soft-spoken cousins, are as much a drive for change as any other individual. Change, therefore, does not need to be an eternal change. Even a brief change can suffice as that proves the change could potentially be permanent.
Potential. The word that terrifies and thrills. We know not what our own potential is until we have achieved it. Others may see our potential when we cannot. We may not have the faith in ourselves and the universe to believe them. Steady or flighty, proud or humble, meek or mighty, rich or poor, we all have the potential to be true to ourselves, our desires, and our minds despite the criticisms of others. Don't be afraid of being misunderstood. History's most misunderstood individuals have tendencies to be incredibly well known and loved (see Vincent Van Gogh for an example). Let go of fear of judgement, no matter how painful or difficult it is. Be yourself.
And that, friends, can be the most remarkable and important changes anyone can make. Because once that change is made, there is not limit, for good or ill, on the actions that could be made. And an infinity is far greater than a defined story. An infinity is too much to be stopped. Believe with me. Even when we are torn apart, our feelings can unite us. And an idea cannot be killed.

Hey, Soul Sister! part 1

...In natural tendencies with my personality traits (including friendly but reserved, accepting but dismissive, and open but defensive), I'm finding myself starting to get stressed out. I don't have access to my best friend and I probably won't until she gets back from her mission. Not having that needed support (many friends but very few close ones) in a new place with stressors that normally I wouldn't have too much of a problem with if I had access to Anayetzy, it's beginning to unsettle my spirit. Anayetzy is my soul sister, the other part of me, and it's been this way for both of us since 6th grade. We may look nothing alike, but even our seminary teacher commented how rare it was to see one without the other and how we were basically twins. For someone who grew up without close siblings (age, proximity, you name it), she was what I desperately needed at a time when I couldn't have hated the world more and I did the same for her a few years later.

Like I said. I don't have access anymore. Different states and she's preparing to go on a mission. Which means that I need someone to mend the part of me that is broken without her. So with all the people that I'm meeting, I'm running them through my tests, seeing who is a potential and who would work as is. I met one person last night who on initial communications I thought could have been a decent plaster until I could get my girl back. By the end of communications, no. She wouldn't work. My roommate won't work because it's bad to be best friends with your roommate. I need someone to at least partially patch up that hole. I don't want someone to replace my best friend. I'd never forgive myself if I did. I just need someone to keep me from falling apart. And yeah, I know that this still early days...But I know what I turn into when I don't have the supports I need. And I really don't want that. It's selfish, I know. But when I move to LA, I'm going to need her to come with me and rent an apartment with me. She is and has been my rock since I met her. And then once I get settled and start doing my acting thing, we both want to move to London. We've already discussed it and have started planning that. And I can't ask her to forgo her mission. That's something she needs to do, just like I need to be here.

So, at this point I'm praying that I meet the person that will keep me together long enough for Anayetzy to come back. Because I need my best friend. I'm willing to do without her because I'm ridiculously self-sacrificing and I'll never tell her how much I need her with me. Because she's like me. Ridiculously self-sacrificing, especially for the people we love. So when she gets back, she'd better be ready for big Brooke hug and lots of crying.
So, yeah. I'm feeling lonely. But I'll survive. Except I don't want to survive because surviving with me turns me meaner than a rattle snake and that is not an okay thing for me to be right now.

Who wouldn't want to be me?

I've moved into my dorm room. This morning while going on my run, I met my RA, who is from the same state I am, and I found out we don't have a curfew in the dorms (that is a lot more exciting than it sounds, trust me). My roommate is awesome. I don't have to hike up a mountain on Saturday. The new season of Doctor Who has started. I get to see my dad, who I haven't seen in three months. I got to go to a new city and ate at a fabulous Mexican restaurant. I get to go to the fair on Monday (haven't gone in years because of tennis). AND the absolute icing on the cake is my big brother is getting married tomorrow.

I don't want to jinx anything, but life's going good for me right now. And I have time to focus on studying theatre techniques.

I'm excited to be in college. The world has so many possibilities all of a sudden. If you can dream it, you can do it. We're all human and we all naturally have things we want. Please don't give up on your dreams, no matter how impossible they seem. Be the eternal optimist and have faith that it will work out as you continue to work on what you want.

Toyota Yaris L 5-dr 2014

College is figuratively staring me in the face at this point, even though it's more in-your-face to ALL OF MY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY ALL START A WEEK BEFORE I DO. Ahem. And I want to talk about cars. A Top Gear thing is premiering Monday (very excited for that) and so I've been trying to watch some of that on top of trying to watch Doctor Who. Let's just say that that's been very... complicated. Anywho, I love hatchbacks. Big, small, in between (I'm looking at you, crossovers). I just think they are the most adorable things ever. I know that part of that is my experience with my aunt's SUV. I have some good memories of that car, along with some...not so good ones. I actually would much like to get either a Hyundai Tucson or Santa Fe. Thinking maybe the Santa Fe because it's bigger. Or the Santa Fe SE, which is bigger than the Tucson and smaller than the Santa Fe.
But as you can see, that car (and I love that color on cars) shown above is not a Santa Fe. It's not even a Hyundai. That, friends, is a Toyota Yaris. And the reason why I want to talk about this rather plain, ordinary car is because I'm going to college. See, I'm going to be inheriting my grandpa's red Geo Metro. I love that little bugger. I really do. It reminds me of an old race horse. It does what you want it to, it just takes longer to do it and it can't go as fast as it used to. But it does try to please. The only problem with it is it doesn't like to go above 65 mph. Well, I say doesn't like to. I amend that statement to can't really go above 65 mph and can't maintain that speed for longer than about an hour. So as much as I love the Metro, I'm going to have to eventually obtain something that can go freeway speeds so that it doesn't take me two days to go down to LA when my life takes me there.
Now, I'm going to bring up Top Gear briefly. The blokes on the BBC version (the good one) maintain that the Yaris is the car you want for a small, compact car. Good car, great mpg's, and fairly cheap. Perfect for a college student, yes? Have some stats. The 2014 Yaris has 37 highway mpg. It's got a GRAND total of..! 106 horsepower. Compared to some of the stuff I've posted up here, that seems almost laughable. To add to the laughing comparison, it's got a buzzy 1.5, straight 4 engine. That one up there is the 5-door L edition. Which means it's an automatic (and also apparently dated). The 3-door L has manual transmission, which is apparently better than the automatic. I'm totally cool with that anyway because I like stick shifts better than automatics. And all the reviews say that the manual is far better than the automatic. Which means that to get the good one, you're stuck with the 3-door or the most expensive 5-door. The SE gives better handling and stuff so you'd probably want to go with that one anyway. It's still under $20,000.
So, yeah. That's the car I'm looking at for my upgrade when I start travelling. You can get cheap used ones of previous years. You just have to know how to look.

Reason and Feeling

Anger burns, bright and dark, red as the fires of passion. It joins with love and lust in the primal feelings. We spend so much time distancing ourselves from emotion and ourselves yet despite our enlightenment, we still have them. They are as much a part of us as the softer tenderer side of the spectrum and the darker, destructive side. We do not find ourselves by hiding. We must live to find ourselves. Mistakes must be made and all those raw emotions that we have been programmed by society to fear must be felt. We may be capable of thought and reason, but so too are we capable of intuition and things which cannot be explained.
Feel the emotions you fear. Know the mind you have.

"I choose not to think of my life as surviving, but coping."/ "Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you."

Another death in the family in less than six months. This one, unlike the other, was unexpected and the police is treating it as a suspicious death. So we won't know anything for a while. I'm...I'm not good at expressing grief. So, there you have it. That'll be pretty much that until the funeral, whenever that happens.

Ummm, yeah. Oh, so you know how Series 8 of Doctor Who is happening in less than two weeks. Or you possibly don't That's a thing that's happening that I'm very excited for and because of it, I've been watching a lot of interviews and stuff with the actors. There's just something about interacting with people, complete strangers, who enjoy your work. I don't feel the same fascination with athletes or politicians. Politicians because I don't believe what comes out of their mouths and athletes because... I don't know. I was going to pursue a career in tennis, you know. But I decided to put my focus on school instead and I'm glad I did because I'm getting to go to the school of my dreams. Is it wrong of me to want to be in a position where I'll have people know my name, even if I don't know them? If I ever become well-known, and I do hope I do, I want to be one of the actors that is constantly interacting with fans and people. I don't want to be one of those that you only ever see on screen and is a hermit otherwise. I don't want to be one of those people that you see just going to work and then hiding at home anyway. As introverted as part of me is, I want to interact with people, random people. I'll never say that I'm not proud with a bit of a vain little peacock, just enough to enjoy the spotlight sometimes, but not enough to be a drama queen. Tennis matches, I thrive under the attention, even when it's negative. I have no problems with public speaking. When I was on stage with Barry Manilow performing in his show with part of my choir, the added challenge of having that large of an audience just made me enjoy myself more.
But I don't like receiving recognition for what I do. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm a big fan of working on it, performing (whether it be in sports, music, or whatever) and then finding a new project. If I get recognition, I want it done quietly with minimal fuss. No big fanfare unless you want me embarrassed and clammed up emotionally. I get nervous and defensive when I get scolded, reprimanded or critiqued in front of others. I'll do my absolute best to try to fix whatever was wrong (unless you go about it the wrong way, which is pretty difficult), but privately and then I'll show the new/refined skill once I've got it down well enough to have a touch of adrenaline to keep me on my toes. I don't like making mistakes, which is why I have a tendency to put exorbitant amounts of time into something until I've got it at a level where I don't make mistakes often. But that practicing will be alone or with very few people.
So I get to straddle the world between introvert and extrovert, living in the grey area when I would much prefer to be on one side or the other even though I exist easily in both.
Actually, I think I'm going to be done now. I don't want this post to just become a verbal vomit of...I'm not even sure. I think I just needed to get this off my chest. And I just ranted extensively about X-Men: Days of Future Past at one of my friends. I don't think most people realize how strongly I feel about movies and TV shows. They're my only true obsession, books come a close second because I like seeing to imagine. I can do it almost as easily with literature but...
Wow, no seriously. I'm going to stop.

2014 McLaren P1/ LDS Mission

I'm not going to write a review for a car. Simply because I couldn't be able to convey the delight and vwoom that that car, just on description, made me feel. (903 HORSEPOWER!!) Gorgeous piece of machinery.
Anyway, here's a link. 2014 McLaren P1.
Lordy, that's a nice car. And that guy is so funny.
I'm pretty sure that I want to...not marry a mechanic (not that I have anything against mechanics, my grandpa was one) but marry someone who is very good with cars because one of my favorite smells, no joke, is the smell of new tires.

My cousin is having his farewell tomorrow. He's going on his mission to Tempe, Arizona. And all I can say is he has NO idea what he's in for. I've lived down in that sort of heat. He never has. So, it'll be very interesting to see him handle that. The only thing is I've never seen any sort of enthusiasm from him for it. So I'm not sure how he's going to react to it. I'm willing to cut him some slack because he's from small-town Idaho and doesn't know any better. I've done all three. Small town, medium city, and big city. Different cultures and opinions don't shock me anymore. But he could also surprise me and be able to handle this well. We'll just have to see.

Saved for Later

You know what's strange? The feeling like you are unbelievably important in minor ways. It's not just how you influence the people you know. You always hear stories about that and frankly, those stories irritate me. They make me feel uncomfortable because I'm of the opinion that I don't want to hear about the good effects of what I do. Tell me what I do wrong so that I can correct it. But I don't want to be praised for when I do good in front of me. I don't want to know. Because then I feel like I have something to prove. I would rather just continue living my life oblivious to the good I do. If I do something brave or heroic, I would rather just go back to my quiet life.
Sorry, that was more than a little bit off topic. But what I really wanted to talk about how you can influence someone's life just by being where you are when you are. By you being on the road you're on, when you are, you might cause someone to be late for a meeting or an appointment. But because they're late for the meeting, they meet someone that they would never have met otherwise. That other person could become their best friend, the love of their life. Or they could further influence more lives by being the best friend of one of your friends or the love of their life. By being in front of someone on the street, you could cause them to hit a red light. But because you did that, they didn't end up in a car accident. You can influence people without knowing them and without doing anything special or different than just doing what you do. You can also influence their lives without actually interacting with them. Some people might say that those are just a series of coincidences. Me, I don't believe in coincidences. And not just because I believe that God (or whatever higher being you happen to believe in) has a subtle hand in everything. It's because simple choices are the most powerful and we can never know the results of those simple little choices. They could be as small as the intertwining of two lives for all time or as large as bringing a smile to someone who needs it. We're all important. And don't you dare let anyone tell you differently, because you don't need someone like that trying to break you or bring you down. You are stronger than that. You are better than that. And trust me, if you don't believe that, then you just need to trust me. Trust this faceless, voiceless... random person that wrote this. Sometimes that's easier than trusting family members or friends. Because how or why could they know? Us faceless people on the internet have no ulterior motives. Normally. Then there are the trolls but I try to avoid those people. They irritate me. But other than the trolls, most people just genuinely want people to be happy.

Somehow, I feel like I'm going to need this later on. Sigh... That'll be one of those moments when I just hate people.

Faces to a Coin

Two sides to every coin. Hidden and revealed simultaneously. Is the face shown heads or tails, private or public? Surprise is felt when the other face is seen. Who am I? The question that should always be asked for the answer always changes. Sometimes the private face becomes public and the public face is reconciled with the personal yet what never changes is what is both. Energetic and sensitive, two halves of a whole. Humanity condemns two faces even though they exist naturally and this is exemplified in Harvey Dent of DC Comics. When he became horribly scarred, he became the villain Two-Face. There is some subliminal messaging there because he can no longer hide his private and public lives and this knowledge drives him insane. We are two yet one in purpose and we should be the two we are.

The Results of IB

Hell is officially over. Nothing on the planet could possibly compare to what I went through emotionally and psychologically and what I have successfully completed. For those of you who don't know what the hell that is the International Baccalaureate Programme is, you're lucky. It's a 2, 4, 7, or 12 year program that is supposed to be helpful. Check out the International Baccalaureate Programme link for more information because that's far more politically correct than what I'm about to say about it. Me, I went through seven years of that. Started in 6th grade and I had no idea what I was getting into. Now, looking back, I just shake my head and wish my past self luck in her endeavors. I would go through it again just because of how much I learned and grew because of it. I understand stress more than I could possibly want and that can only do me good in the future. As much as I have complained about IB, especially the past four years, I'm grateful. I really am. I promise the world this. There were days that I hated it and days I hated myself for choosing to put myself through it. There were days when I wanted to quit and give up and take the easier path. There were many sleepless nights and stressed out days, breakdowns, and being so tightly strung that one more little thing would have made me break. And I'm not ashamed to admit it that during Junior year, the only two things that kept me going were pride (because some sick part of me enjoyed the torturous work I was going through and I didn't want to go back to a normal school when I'd been part of accelerated classes) and sheer stubbornness because that was my sixth year of torture and there was no way that I would let it beat me (and the same thing went for my seventh year of hell). Now those are two of my most prominent personality traits and I know that because of what I had to go through to get them so finely honed, those two will last with me for the rest of my life. Come hell or highwater, I will have pride and I will have stubbornness and between the two, there is not nor will there be a challenge too great (see, told you the pride was a central characteristic) for me to overcome.
I did not give up. I kept fighting through everything. And I am so very proud to say that I am a recipient of the IB diploma. And for my class of 2014 who stayed in IB, we did it. We stayed. We didn't quit. We each had our own reasons for staying, but that doesn't matter now. We earned what we learned about ourselves. And best of all, it's over now. New challenges await us and we are ready to face them with heads held high and the confidence that can only be earned through coming, seeing, and conquering. We're ready. I'm ready. And I'm ready to step out of what I know and embrace that which I have in my future. Because if I know me, and I've done a lot of soul searching because of this program, not even the sky is the limit for me. BRING IT ON!

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
~Albert Camus

After Ever After 2

PAINT, AKA Jon Cozart is one of the greatest YouTube artists ever. He put this thing out...two years ago? called After Ever After. If you haven't seen it, you should look it up. It's great social and political commentary on past events and current events. It basically talks about how the Disney princesses ended in lies. It's brilliant. It's a cappella and all parts are sung by him. The man is so cool. Anyway, the first one is Ariel, Jasmine, Belle, and Pocahontas. I heard that one for the first time in English class of my junior year and about fell out of my chair laughing hysterically because of it. And I have that one pretty much memorized. It's gorgeous.  So funny and so applicable to right now. I can't wait to see what my children think of it.

Anyway, so Jon Cozart put up a sequel. This one has Mulan, Cinderella, Tiana, and Elsa. Holy crap. I'm caught between having my conservative ideals disturbed and laughing hysterically. I love it. I'm trying to get the words memorized just so I can have something else that will hop into my head at inappropriate moments. SWEET!!!!! "Theeeeeey stuck two steel rods in my brain!" That was from the Cinderella part. It's brilliant. Just...Just brilliant. I mean, it's like a social and political commentary mixed with Disney music, quite possibly the best combination ever. And you can definitely see the recent (and not so recent) international events threaded through the Elsa section, which is funny just because I've always wanted to have a story where the main character is a good ruler, does everything right and the country is falling apart because of outside forces so the ruler turns evil to fight against the injustice of what is going on. I know the words "evil" and "fight against injustice" don't usually show up in the same sentence, but neither do "burrito" and "klutzy witch". That's a long story. Actually, it literally is a long story and not the point. The point is how great that song is and how much it isn't flattened and dulled by political correctness. It's on YouTube. Y'all should find it and watch and go "Yup. Americans are crazy." After Ever After 2. There ya go, peeps. And, this way, I have the link forever. Yay!! And I apologize in advance if your sensibilities are offended. But I suppose it could be worse. And it will forever change the way you hear the Disney songs these come from. Under the Sea is one of those that I can't hear without hearing this version. And I have a feeling that I'll Make A Man Out Of You will be another. "I've got the brains and the bite of females plus the brute and the brawn of dudes." Best of both worlds.
No car for today. I'm kinda just not feeling it. Next post will probably feature a Jaguar concept.

2014 Chevrolet Silverado 1500 LTZ/ The actual one on moving

I feel like I've been favoring the sports cars lately in my interests when in all honesty, I'm a truck girl. Now, maybe it's because I did grow up on a farm or maybe it's because trucks are big and I naturally favor big vehicles, but I've always been a truck girl and that will never change. This is not my ideal truck. That one will show up eventually but I want to save the cars that I actually want for special occasions. So I'm going to honor my love of trucks with a Chevy. This is a 2014 Chevy Silverado 1500 LTZ. It's got a 5.3L V8 or a 6.2L V8 and either RWD or AWD. The bodystyle of the truck in this picture is crew cab and I believe standard bed although it could be the short bed. The angle makes it slightly difficult to tell. Americans get too many choices on their trucks. And cars for that matter but it's slightly more irritating in the trucks because really, trucks should have big beds and big room in the cab. That way, there's room for whatever you need, people room, cargo room, whatever. Anyway, the 6.2L V8 gives 420 horsepower and the 5.3L V8 gives up to 355 horsepower. The 5.3L has a 0-60 at around 6.6 seconds and the 6.2L has it at around 6 seconds. And what's really cool about these engines is if there's a light engine load, they don't use four of those 8 cylinders. Which helps with the fuel economy. I get it that it's less common to find a truck in places outside of the US but I still and will always and forever love trucks and it is my ambition in life to have one. Well, one of my ambitions in life. I have several. But being the proud owner of a truck is one of them.

Okay, well, I have mixed feelings about moving. On the one hand, I'm super stoked to be out of Vegas. I mean, seriously, it's a horrible town to live in. And I've found so many cute clothes here that you can't find in Vegas that it's not even funny. Went a little overboard but whatever. It's summer and those clothes are for the Fourth of July. It's our tradition.
But at the same time...I've spent years there. My high school is there, the people that suffered through IB with me are there. The people I'll miss, the actual city itself, I won't. But again, it's strange. I didn't realize that I would miss Vegas until I left and now I find myself feeling vaguely sentimental. Part of it, I think, is because I'm beginning such a big, new chapter of my life and while that is exhilarating, it's also slightly terrifying. My life is officially mine to screw up and there are so many things that I want to do but I'm not sure if I'll be able to and I'm kind of on a time crunch. But I've always enjoyed a challenge once I get to it. I'm just sitting here waiting right now. And I hate waiting more than nearly anything else on the planet.

2001 Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0/ I'm so tired...

Can I just say that this is a beauty? It's a very sleek car isn't it? I would call it little but there is nothing little about this puppy. There's a whopper of an engine (6.0 L V12) producing 550 horsepower. This car, if it can be called a car, has a 0-60 of 3.4 seconds. Take that and add to it a top speed of 205 mph. Seriously, just look at that car a second. It's not as beautiful as the Gallardo, but then I'm more partial to the Gallardo anyway. Although, Diablo means devil so I'm automatically fascinated by it. It's big, it's fast, and it's got (decent) mpg of 12 city and 18 highway. This is definitely a supercar and it is just...Man...

Well, I'm thinking that I should make some comments about how I feel about moving from my home for the past eight years of my life. But I've been in a car for about 12 hours today and I'm so exhausted. Seriously, I take that drive at least twice a year and I've never slept on that ride. I fell asleep five, count them FIVE times. And I'm still so tired! I love my grandma, really, I do, but she just drives me absolutely bonkers and makes me so tired. So tomorrow, maybe, I'll make some comments about how I feel. Tomorrow or maybe Saturday. Maybe. It'll happen eventually.

2014 Chevrolet Camaro SS/Driving

Yesterday, I was in a Chevy for...oh, about fourteen hours driving around. I've seen more of Salt Lake City, UT, than I've ever seen before. We also got a little lost and had to rely on my fabulous sense of direction (seriously, it's crazy) to get us back to where we needed to be. And we ended up somewhere that we knew but it wasn't where we wanted to go because my darling mother didn't listen and turned right when I said to go straight. I'm telling you. I'm like a bloodhound when it comes to directions.
But I also took another first for my driving career. And even though I was panicking because I don't have a lot of driving experience, I managed to drive in a strange city and I didn't get us killed. And I didn't panic because my grandmother is a Nervous Nellie and she's not very comforting when another car is anywhere near ours. Eh, I managed to keep my cool and I only got honked at once because I had no idea where I was going. Oh, well.

This, lovely friends, is the 2014 Chevrolet Camaro SS. Here we have a sexy little American car that might as well say "Check out how fast I go!". Its 6.2L V-8 engine produces 426 horsepower, giving it a nice little bit of oomph. Seriously. All that horsepower in a car that can be as low in price as around $33,000. What a gorgeous piece of machinery! I mean, look at it! It just looks fast and it's so sleek and beautiful that it's even making me want one and I am not a fan of Camaros as it is. But man, look at that car.
The only question I have is about the handling. American cars are notorious for terrible cornering capabilities. If this car can turn corners decently, that would pretty much cinch my desire for one. But I figured out why. We build our cars to drive on our roads and streets, which are pretty straight. Reason for that would lie in our history of pioneering behaviour (which across this landmass means a straight route is the fastest one and could mean the difference between life and death). Also, we tend to just go right over things or blast tunnels through them, decreasing the need for curves. No curvy roads means that our cars would be terrible at cornering. Mystery solved!

2010 Audi Quattro Concept/Memories

I'm going to be sharing a car for each of my posts for now just because I've reawakened my love of cars.

Welcome to the 2010 Audi Quattro concept. I'm not a total fan of Audi, but it's German and that's a beautiful car. Underneath that hood is a turbocharged, 5 cylinder, 2.5 L engine. Absolutely gorgeous. 408 horsepower brings the 0-62 to 3.9 seconds and a top speed of I have no idea. But that is still a nice little car. Coupe with a cute little rear-end that has this funny spoiler under the other spoiler. I'm thinking I'd like to see this car in that burnt orange that most people hate.

Anyway, memories should be stored and made into keepsakes. I'm staring at these old memories I've been accumulating because I'm cleaning and packing and trying to figure out what I can't live without. And I've realized something. Unless you continue to refresh memories, they fade and lose their emotional attachment. There are so many things that I thought I would never want to get rid of because I remember that I had an emotional attachment. But because I don't have those memories attached to them, I actually don't mind getting rid of them.
This is a big achievement because I'm ridiculously sentimental and I hate getting rid of things. So when you get the urge to clean, just do it. You'll be more likely to just toss and not worry about wanting to keep whatever it is. Some things you should keep. But most you don't need. You just don't need them because if they don't have the sentimentality anymore, most things don't have a practical purpose.

An Unexpected BMW

Beginning a new chapter in my life has always seemed like a frightening prospect. I don't do well with change, you see. But at the same time, there's always been something in my heart urging me to stop thinking and just free fall, part terror and part exhilaration. I've been playing with the idea of studying abroad in London. This would require ridiculous amounts of work and taking me, the person who before this year had planned on moving back to my hometown after college or at least to Salt Lake City after becoming an FBI agent and didn't have much of a desire to travel, to a completely different country. Granted, I'd always sort of wanted to go to Ireland, England, Scotland, and Germany but that was only because that's where my ancestral heritage is and I've always been fascinated with that. But I figured it would be a quick trip and then I would be back home and would probably stay wherever it was until I died. I kept forgetting how much I want adventures and exploration until I would get back into Lord of the Rings or another fantasy novel and then it would just burn and I would get antsy and I would want to just go somewhere. That dratted practicality that is rampant in my family always overpowers that urge.
But I'm literally staring at change right now. I can't avoid it. And so I'm playing with the idea of adding the change. But again, ridiculous amounts of work to get it. Tuesday, I was wondering if the work would be worth it. Not even thirty seconds after I had that thought, do you know what I saw? A BMW with British license plates. I wasn't anywhere that a car with those license plates should have been. Yes, there would be sections of Vegas where that wouldn't be especially surprising, like on the Strip or near some of the bigger off-Strip casinos, but that wasn't where I was.
And I'm taking that as a sign that that is what I need to do. Major change for me and ridiculous amounts of work, but if I'm supposed to do that, then things will work out so that I will be able to do it. If I'm not, then it won't.
But that's still super exciting. And weird. And unexpected. And thrilling. What the heck was a BMW with British license plates doing here?

What I Believe In

Belief is a big word, a sad word, and a bright word. To believe is to love and trust and hope and dream and all those words that provide the inspiration to the human psyche but are so terrifying and so potentially damning. Each and every person that has ever lived, is living, or will live has a belief in at least one thing that marks them to the core and makes them the individual that they are. It provides a common ground that can never be taken away and my beliefs, as strange and sometimes personal as they are, have given me the strength to act as I have and will in the future.

I believe in me. The statement that you are your worst critic is an accurate one. Living inside your own head can sometimes be the scariest thing because you think things you don’t want anyone else to ever know, and feel things of which you are ashamed and which you want to keep secret or hidden. You know all of it and you can’t escape from it. So if you’re your own worst critic, then equilibrium dictates that you must therefore be your biggest cheerleader.

That is not the precise reason why I believe in myself. I’ll be the first to admit that I have a strong support group but the actuality of the universe is that we are alone, locked inside our heads and our hearts. I believe in myself because if I don’t, who will? Why would anyone want to believe in someone who doesn’t even believe in themselves? But beyond that, I would want to believe in myself because I know my flaws. I know that I have a quick temper, that I’m stubborn, that I have a tendency to shut down emotionally, that I can get far too easily worked up, that I have an addictive personality, that I don’t forgive readily, that I’m abrasive and somewhat controlling and far too independent for my own good. I know that. But what I also see is the good. I know that I’m incredibly loyal, that I can hold it together in a crisis, that I love my family and would do anything for them, that I love animals, that I have more than my fair share of determination, that I’m both smart and clever,  and that I have an amazing imagination. If I didn’t believe in myself, there would be some problems with the universe. I wouldn’t be me without the flaws and so I embrace them because they feed my virtues.

And I feel like this acceptance in the world is a peculiar thing. This world tries to tell you how to act, how to think, and how to be to try to create one big organism. It also seems to be trying to teach us that we must be perfect and without flaws, uniformly so. I don’t agree with that. Conformity has its uses but not all of the time. Every single person who has gone down in history for creating something or for discovering something or changing something has done it against the grain of society. That’s why I believe in individuality. We are each an island on the planet. Each island is different. Environmental conditions may be similar but each island is in its own little section of space. It’s useless to try to conform and those who do try are delusional because they will never be able to perfectly match another person. Leo Tolstoy wrote, in Anna Karenina, that “If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content”. And that’s true. You will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you are, and with what you’ve already done. There will always be something you can improve on. The same thing goes for looking for perfection in other people. Perfection also means a lack of being human. Humanity is full of weird, little quirks and flaws that tend to spread across the species as a whole.

Being yourself as an individual is one step closer to that “perfection”. In Life, the Truth, and Being Free, Steve Maraboli takes the comparison that we are all unique, little snowflakes to a different level. Each snowflake, while they’re made of the same substances and are going to the same place, driven by a universal force, has its own unique shape that is best suited for its own individual journey. We cross paths with others, we bump into them sometimes, and that changes us. “But at all times we too are 100% perfectly imperfect.”

There’s another quote from a C. Joybell C. that I find to be perfectly accurate that sums up what I think about perfection. “For everything in this journey of life we are on, there is a right wing and a left wing: for the wing of love there is anger; for the wing of destiny there is fear; for the wing of pain there is healing; for the wing of hurt there is forgiveness; for the wing of pride there is humility; for the wing of giving there is taking; for the wing of tears there is joy; for the wing of rejection there is acceptance; for the wing of judgment there is grace; for the wing of honor there is shame; for the wing of letting go there is the wing of keeping. We can only fly with two wings and two wings can only stay in the air if there is a balance. Two beautiful wings is perfection. There is a generation of people who idealize perfection as the existence of only one of these wings every time. But I see that a bird with one wing is imperfect. An angel with one wing is imperfect. A butterfly with one wing is dead. So this generation of people strive to always cut off the other wing in the hopes of embodying their ideal of perfection, and in doing so, have created a crippled race.” It’s long, but I cannot paraphrase or summarize it without cutting out the point that perfection is imperfect and only with imperfection can we reach some semblance of perfect for ourselves, which gives us individuality in a world that is trying to forge us into the shape it thinks we should be, rather than the shape that is best suited for each of us.

Perhaps for the creative types, dreams hold more weight than they should. But without dreams, there would be no change. I believe in not just dreams in general but in having a dream. People tell me I need to keep my feet on the ground. But, they don't realize that I'm not meant to stay on the ground. I am meant to fly and born to fly. Chain me down, break my wings, I don't care. I will find a way to fly. I was born a wild angel, a fallen being, but with the possibility for exaltation as sure as the fire of my wings. No more will I be told what is possible for me and what's not. I refuse to be put in a cage, unless it is one of my own making. My decisions are my own and while I may get advice, I may not always act on it. There needs to be an element of recklessness to decisions, a leap of faith into your dreams. Sometimes, you sink, but when you fly, there is nothing that cannot be accomplished.

There is nothing more debilitating than fear. It cripples our wings and turns our fins to stone. We become paralyzed and begin to fall until we somehow find the strength to halt our plunge. And in that moment, between falling and flying, we realize more about ourselves than we ever could in either state. We realize that what we have within us can be accessed no matter what. It's just our job find it. Fear is the other side of dreams and it tempers the dreaming to keep it from becoming a delusion. There must always be balance but dreaming gives us something to strive for and something to use to escape the world when it seems to become too much. I believe in dreams and in having them because that’s a human trait. Because we create in our dreams a world of our own making and acting on those dreams changes the world for us and sometimes for other people as well. And we should embrace our humanity.

Standing as I am at the precipice of the beginning of the rest of my life, I find myself caught between this leap of faith and doing what I should. The problem is that what I should do isn’t what I want anymore and it’s in direct conflict with my dreams. This is the place that catches so many teenagers leaving high school. They set off in the beginning to do what they want, what they dream of doing, but fear catches them and drags them back down to earth, and they find themselves leading unfulfilling lives full of regret for those lost dreams. I’ve never wanted that for myself. I’ve always been more of a dreamer than I sometimes would have liked. But I don’t want to do something that I don’t love. That’s part of why I’ve handled IB so well. I love learning and I always have. Sure, my own dreams are a little crazy and more than a little impractical and there are a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t follow them, but if I don’t, then I will always be left with the question “What if?” That regret is the precise reason why I will always support another’s dream, including my own. Life shouldn’t be lived in regret and dreams shouldn’t be sacrificed because with dreaming, the most amazing things mankind can produce are born.

Then we come to change. Change is a little tricky. The consequences are what make it so devilish and angelic at the same time. As with nearly everything else, change is both good and bad but it’s the direct results that come from this change that tells us whether or not this change is good. As far as I’m concerned, change is good as long as it preserves strong individuality and promotes dreaming, and that’s pretty much all I care about. But I believe in change for the same reasons that I believe in individualism and dreams. It’s human and humanity, even the dredges of it, should be embraced. Change, right or wrong, is part of the human experience and it can give us the room to explore our individuality or our dreams. So I believe in the necessity of change despite the tendency towards comfort zones.

In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky writes, “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.” The current that is time and life sweeps on with or without our consent. Swimming with the current doesn’t mean that this is good just as simply floating and watching the change happen is bad. There is uncertainty in change, certainly, but uncertainty breaks bonds around our minds and hearts and allows for expansion. “Uncertainty is where things happen. It is where the opportunities — for success, for happiness, for really living — are waiting.” This quote from Martha Nussbaum shows why I believe in change, for better or for worse and in sickness or in health. We need this uncertainty if we are to have dreams and be individualistic and thus have change.

I believe in standing for rights and defending them. That does not mean to attack another’s belief, which is unfortunately what it has come to mean recently. In this case, and in a rare shift from my usual opinion about it, a good offense is not a good defense. There is no need to attack someone else to protect your beliefs or rights. But it’s not just your own that you should defend. If someone can’t defend themselves, then it is the duty of others to defend them.

Beliefs are not the end all, be all. They are not a crutch or means to force opinions on anyone else. They are meant to be cradled and nurtured and cared for and they’re personal. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be shared quietly and carefully. My beliefs are mine and I fully expect others to find fault with them. But they’re mine and I won’t change them because of public opinion.

How I'm Feeling today in a large group of songs

All the small things
True care, truth brings
I just want to scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Wanna make some noise,
Really raise my voice
I'm ready to go my way
Tomorrow is not today

Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
There's no going back to the start again
Time'll tell us how this story ends
I didn't know until my soul broke free
That I've got these angels watching over me
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

Hold your head up high
And reach the sky
Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve
Sometimes you reach what's realest by making believe
Everyone can tell you how it's all been said and done
That harder times will change your mind and make you wanna run

Never underestimate a girl
Gets anything she wants
She's never gonna stop

Poem 1

This was a poem that I wrote a few years ago. Not really applicable right now but it was. And I need it up here so that I don't lose it and so it can sit as a reminder of what I can be and what I don't want to be again.

Words that flow can never express
The indecision and pain that ripples through my being
I see myself standing at the edge of a cliff
Overlooking stormy waters
To jump or walk?
The question has never had no clear answer
But now I fear I've died inside.
That the face I show, isn't me.
Someone I will never be is creeping up
Steadily and surely.
My half-hearted attempts to stay her
No longer are enough for the battle of me.
Yet the apathy I feel prevents me from
Winning the outright war.
I can't live this life any longer
But I can't change.
What do I do?
What once offered reassurances, now
Seems like a far off dream.
Is this what you felt, my fallen-friend,
Before you let the darkness descend?
Before you welcomed it?
I think I finally understand

We Are One

We are one. We are one species. We are one planet. We are one family.
So I DON'T understand why we can't all just get along! There are no differences so great that prevent us from being at least civil, even if we aren't exactly friends. You can disapprove of the actions and still love the person.
I read or heard somewhere something that struck me. We can only truly hate someone that we know well enough to love, but if we know them that well, then we cannot hate them. Each person's life is their own and while we may know some of the facts, we can NEVER know everything about another person. Things can be forgotten or simply left unsaid and emotions cannot truly be expressed. There are underlying reasons for everything, every word spoken and every action taken.
Forgiveness is better than revenge and love better than hatred. And that can be turned inward as well. Those that hate themselves don't really know themselves. Look in the mirror. When was the last time you looked into those eyes and read the thoughts reflected? When was the last time you saw yourself as the hero of your story? When was the last time that you treated yourself like your favorite character and loved yourself for your faults, your quirks? The way your smile doesn't quite reach your eyes because you've lost things or been mistreated or feel like an island until something happens to strip that sadness away. Then your eyes brighten and people answer your smile with one of their own because it's so good to see you really smile again, like you used to.
Why do you hate yourself when there's so much to love? "All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe." Even genetically, you are unique. For those who are a variation of identical twins and are technically genetically identical, that's just at first. From the moment that egg splits, there are two life paths that will be taken. But ti's not just that. Genetic expression creates those tiny little variations between two people that are oh, so important. They are two distinct people, still completely unique.
Love who you are and your potential too. Please. It's not fair to you to see only the worst in you. But part of loving yourself is recognizing that you need to have people who support you around you. Find something you love and do that. If you love it, don't let anyone tell you differently or tell you that you need to change to fit what THEY want you to be. Be who you are. No apologies. If you like baking and sports, then like baking and sports. If you like to learn, like to learn. Own it and don't let anyone change your mind. Change at your pace in your way on your time because you want to, not because someone else wants you to.
The first step to loving others is to recognize the good in them and those good traits are typically echoed in ourselves. Understand the bad traits, but don't let them become all that that person is.

Sacrifice

Love is sacrifice.

Sacrifice, pay the price, blood like ice, sacrifice

Those too afraid to live demand a sacrifice

Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it.

Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness.

You have to fight to reach your dream. You have to sacrifice and work hard for it.

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift.

Dreams do come true, if we only wish hard enough, You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.

Love is not a feeling of happiness. Love is a willingness to sacrifice.

The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.

You aren't going to find anybody that's going to be successful without making a sacrifice and without perseverance.

I have found that being honest is the best technique I can use. Right up front, tell people what you're trying to accomplish and what you're willing to sacrifice to accomplish it.

I think that the good and the great are only separated by the willingness to sacrifice.

You can't achieve anything in life without a small amount of sacrifice.

He who would accomplish little must sacrifice little; he who would achieve much must sacrifice much; he who would attain highly must sacrifice greatly.

Living is strife and torment, disappointment and love and sacrifice, golden sunsets and black storms. I said that some time ago, and today I do not think I would add one word.

The only question to ask yourself is, how much are you willing to sacrifice to achieve this success?

A college degree is the key to realizing the American dream, well worth the financial sacrifice because it is supposed to open the door to a world of opportunity.

You must find something that you deeply love and are passionate about and are willing to sacrifice a lot to achieve.

Follow your passion, be prepared to work hard and sacrifice, and, above all, don't let anyone limit your dreams.

A noble purpose inspires sacrifice, stimulates innovation and encourages perseverance.

Reason, I sacrifice you to the evening breeze.

We all naturally want to become successful... we also want to take shortcuts. And it's easy to do so, but you can never take away the effort of hard work and discipline and sacrifice.

It is not sacrifice if you love what you're doing.

The World Is In Our Hands

Success cannot be measured as it is one of the most subjective things mankind has created. What one person might find to be a sign of success could be utterly insignificant to another. Why then do we feel this urge to try to measure it in things that mean nothing? Things of the world mean nothing if there isn't love and friendship and true joy. Those who have nothing by the world's standards can still be some of the happiest in the world. But just having nothing is not worth anything if there aren't the people that count. It doesn't matter if one is rich or poor, all that matters is having the people there that should be. Friends, family, loves, they all have something for us. Even those who don't support us can give us a motivation to prove them wrong. But success isn't definite. It isn't the end all, be all.

The World Is Ours Tonight

Strength is not the absence of weakness, just as courage is not the absence of fear. Weakness must be there for strength to be present. Everything exists to contrast another thing, allowing balance and harmony. Balance is not all good. There must be another force on an object to counter the first. It's a law of physics. So why then do people not admit their weaknesses? Or see their strength and try to undercut it? Both can exist and both must exist, strength and weakness. Sometimes a characteristic can be both. 

Pride is one of those. It can destroy a person utterly and completely with its presence. Yet without pride, one has low belief in the self and that can be just as harmful. In order to keep ourselves from being shoved this way and that, we must find a balance between the two, between disbelief and arrogance. 

You are you with all your flaws and strengths. Don't throw that precious gift away. There is nothing more wasteful than a life lived in fear of being true to yourself. You are beautiful and handsome and amazing. And even if you think that you don't bring any good to the world, you are the world to someone and you are the reason that someone else has the strength to get up in the morning.

You are you and no one can ever take the niche you have in the world. Holes can be filled but they will never be packed as tightly as they once were.

This One's For The Girls

So many sci-fi or fantasy anything, if they feature women, they show such amazing, strong women. Cases in point: Eowyn from Lord of the Rings, Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Padme from Star Wars (there's a reason that I am choosing her instead of her daughter who is equally amazing if not more so).

Eowyn watches her uncle fall under the control of Grima, who has this creepy fascination with her. It's understandable because she's beautiful and proud, but as she's described, she's like ice and sunlight on a winter morning. She watches her brother be sent away and her cousin die. She is a daughter of Rohan and is everything that that entails. She does her duty until it becomes impossible for her to do so. So instead of pining away for lost love, she takes action. Eowyn disguises herself as a man and takes Merry with her to war. After Theoden falls, she challenges the Lord of the Nazgul when he says "no living man may hinder [him]" with words that are completely who she is. She says "But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Eowyn I am, Eomund's daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you if you touch him."

She is described, facing the fell beast, as a maiden of the Rohirrim, child of kings, slender but as a steel-blade, fair but terrible. And she chooses, later in the House of Healing, TO heal from the emotional trauma of losing Aragorn to an elven princess and her foster-father and uncle to the enemy. She accepts Faramir, which is an incredible point that she chooses to move on and to have a future with him despite the losses she has suffered. She suffers perhaps the most other than maybe Faramir and Frodo but she moves past that.

Speaking of losses, Buffy has to be talked about next. She sacrifices her life on so many occasions for the world, for her friends, for love. She has impossible loves and loses them. But she grows from the immature teenager who just wants to be normal to the Slayer, someone who leads an army Potentials knowing that they may die but they all choose to go anyway. She is a leader and a sister. A friend and a lover. She does the impossible and still manages to have a quirky remark or quick comeback even in the face of all the darkness that she sees. In the first season, knowing she is going to die, she still goes because that is what she has to do. She is an amazing role model because she does what she has to do even if it comes at the cost of her life....Several times.

Padme watches the loss of her husband. A physical death would have been easier than the one she watched. "Anakin, you're breaking my heart! You're going down a path I cannot follow!" He would have been such a force for good and she has to deal with the consequences of her husband's decisions. She has strength as a leader, strength as a wife, but she cannot follow her husband down the path he has chosen. Her strength, even as she dies of a broken heart after giving birth to their children, is undiminished. She fights to hang on long enough to name them, her precious babies, a reminder of who her husband was. And then she lets go because she will not watch Anakin's destruction any longer. Her daughter, Leia, has the strength of her mother and her father without the gentleness of Padme. This is why Padme is stronger. She is both strong and gentle and loses much. I admire her greatly. 

In Memory

It's been a few months since my grandpa died. And for some reason, today I just really miss him. Generally, I would consider myself to be a well-adjusted if repressing individual which is why this particular emotion puzzles me. I had issues watching Third Star because of the flashbacks but I bounced right back like I would expect me to. Yes, it's sad that he died but it was from cancer and the man laying in that hospital bed wasn't my grandpa. His last words were SO Lynn Yorgesen that it makes everyone laugh now and it did even then. My grandpa was one of those men full of piss and vinegar with the biggest, warmest, boomiest laugh you've ever heard, a laugh that I'm pleased to have inherited even if it's higher pitched. I'm also pleased to have inherited his voice. It's one of those that even when it's quiet, it's loud and recognizable. He is one of the best people that I've had the honor to have known. He made friends everywhere, no matter where we went, because he always found something in common with them. He loved God and country and his family more than anything else. He was industrious, ridiculously hard-working, and could bend a penny until it broke. He was also the patriarch and now that he's gone, our family is left without one. He had no sons but he loved his daughters. He had a horrible temper (got demoted in the military twice because of it when he served) but he mellowed out when he became a grandpa and even more so when my grandma developed mild dementia. My grandpa was incredible and amazing and I'm not sure what it will be like staying up in Idaho with my family over the summer without him because he's always been there. I love him and I always will and I can only hope that he will be proud of what I've accomplished so far and what I have yet to accomplish.

Love you, Grandpa. You were my first father figure and will always have a special place in my heart. I'm even planning on carrying on the family tradition and give one of my daughters your name. Your last name won't get carried but your familiar name will. I promise that.

This Means War

So...I just looked at the audience thing that tells me where people are that they're looking at this blog thing. Ummm. First of all, I'm completely astonished that people actually look at it. Second of all, people outside of the US, which is where I am currently, are looking at it.
I haven't touched the thing in two years and I have people who have looked at it. I feel like I should make some big thank you to people who have looked at it or read it or printed it off so they could burn the pages because they hate it.
But I honestly don't know what I would say. Gosh, I'm going to be rubbish at making acceptance speeches when I'm famous. Anyway, I guess I'll say thanks for whoever sees this and get on with what I was actually going to say.

Standing Outside The Fire

I don't want to get married yet. And I feel almost guilty for that. As a Mormon, and especially as a female one, there's this sense of responsibility to get married and have a family. And I used to want that because I couldn't see anything bigger. And even though I could have no greater responsibility than to have a family, I want to live some sort of life before that happens. I haven't done anything and I want to do something before I'm tied down to a husband, especially since I'm planning on hightailing it to London after graduation from college. That would just make things too complicated and I don't want to stay here. I don't want to deal with that. I'm just... I'm being emotionally driven to London and I'm not sure why. But I know that I will be put where I need to be and I will be given opportunities to exceed my expectations and those of my family. I've been so practical my entire life. I've taken no risks and that's why I feel so boring. No risk, no gain. So what have I gained in my eighteen years of life? Nothing but this vague sense of disappointment. Well, you know what? I'm living in Vegas and there is nothing that Vegas likes better than high risk. Time to embrace that part of this city.
There's a song by Garth Brooks that I've always connected with. It's calling Standing Outside The Fire. That's what I've been doing. "Life is not tried, it's just merely survived if you're standing outside the fire." I've been surviving life and now it's time to do the scariest thing I can think of: open up and embrace it. Live it. Make mistakes. I won't be perfect. I can't be. But I can't live life on the safe side. It turns me into someone that I don't like. I shut down emotionally and I can't be human doing that.
I'm human. I am human. With all of my humany wumany emotions and mistakes. "I can't abide standing outside the fire."

Triumphant

Intelligence is my armor. Independence is my shield. Determination is my sword. What war shall not be won with that which I hold dear? And yet it is these elements of my very soul that are breaking me from my family's wishes. I am she who wishes to be free from the constraints that have imprisoned my spirit. And yet they are what keep me whole and together. This give and take must surely be the balance of my life, for as I spread my wings, I cannot forget where I came from, nor the shackles that I seek to escape. For they have made me strong and without them, I am nothing, not even the smallest speck of dust floating in a sunbeam. Yet I shall be a hurricane and all shall take note of me and honor me and in honoring me, they shall honor he who has blessed me beyond my comprehension. Though the winds of trial move against me, I will not fail for Determination shall cut through them all. And I shall be triumphant.